RIFF MARKET

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Each contributor to the 12 DAYS OF SPIDERRIFFMAS was told: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito?

***THIS POST CONCLUDES THE 12 DAYS OF SPIDERRIFFMAS***

THANKS FOR READING

-FANG

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YEAR IN RIFFS: WILL WELCH
I Just Sent An Email

Fang,

I didn’t write anything. I just sent an email to a bunch of people and asked them to spend less than a minute answering three questions. I figured if 35 of them wrote back each having spent under a minute then I would come in under the limbo bar that is my allotted Riff-Quota. 32 wrote back, 2 came in by phone and 1 came in by text message. Thus leaving not one to beg and none to spare. Much thanks to all 35.

Will

* * *

Diplo
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... LCD Soundsystem, “Someone Great.” And the Jama Masjid intro on Bedford & Fulton at 5AM every morning.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... stop drinkin.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... South Africa.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... weird.

Marissa Nadler
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Sammi Smith “Sunday Morning Coming Down”
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... get significantly better at the piano.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is...Helsinki, Finland
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... the saunas

Chris Isenberg
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Willie Colon, “Que Lio”
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... hold onto my apartment on Leonard between Ainsle and Devoe. A bad, bad beat.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Sun Valley, Idaho
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... fly fishing with Zoe and how good she looked in galoshes.

Brian Winton
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... The Hold Steady, Boys And Girls in America. At first cause I couldn't believe how much they messed up, then because I thought maybe I was wrong, then cause I realized it is Awesome.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... Regrets are for pussies, I have too many to list.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Southaven, MS
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... the most amazing Little League fields I have ever seen, like a Little League stadium almost! Growing up in Southaven probably kind of sucks, but playing baseball there definitely does not.

T-Pain
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Cee-Lo Green, OutKast, and numerous other artists.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... have sexy with Oprah Winfrey.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Japan.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... the Japanese people are very respectful.

Pascal Spengemann
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Delaney & Bonnie & Friends On Tour with Eric Clapton from 1970, starting on New Years Eve 2007 cleaning up after the party. So amazing, and you know where Jason Pierce took his live big band cues from. Coming down in sheets indeed.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... Play a Hex Message show in ’07!
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is...
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... I rode a chartered bus from Austin TX to a ranch in Wimberley, TX for a wedding. Took in the beautiful hill-country landscape with the tinny P.A. piping in a mixtape of Texas artists from Bob Wills to Willy Nelson to Jerry Jeff Walker and Stevie Ray Vaughn. Not every jam was a winner but it kinda made me jealous that I couldn't get all locally nationalistic with my listening. I mean I'm from Northern California so that would be like only having Grateful Dead, Dead Kennedys, Operation Ivy, Jefferson Airplane, Moby Grape...hold on...that sounds awesome!

Andrew Kuo
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Vampire Weekend CD-R and Strawberry Jam by Animal Collective.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... do a ton of things. Go to Yankee Stadium, read a good book, leave the country, etc etc. But cry me a river... it was a good enough year.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Miami
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... the food sucked.

Ed Droste
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Beach House, Beach House
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... Hang out with Will Welch more, in fact I've only gotten to once in my life, which is fairly tragic.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Dublin, Ireland.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... Playing a show at Whelen's and loving the people there. We were relieved to be out of England.

Caroline McCloskey
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Sam Cooke Live at the Harlem Square Club, 1963.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... do my taxes.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Paris
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... a toss-up: getting engaged/stealing a Ricard ashtray from an outdoor cafe on the banks of the Seine/accidentally wearing my dress inside out on the flight back.

Antony
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Nomi’s demos
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... turn gay.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Istanbul.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... being handed a wad of tissues at the door of the sweltering trannie club because I was perceived to be fish.

Jean Touitou
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... "Chérie BB" by Bertrand Burgalat
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... Can’t find regrets. Sorry.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Zürich
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... buildings with the right proportion all over the place.

Michael Schmelling
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Bobby Charles, “I Must Be in a Good Place Now.”
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... It sounds stupid to say, “no regrets,” but I'm too superstitious not too. But it woulda been nice to have gone tubing or fishing probably.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Cairo, Egypt
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... The view out of the hotel window at 5AM.

M.I.A.
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... ?
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... learn to fly and get a pilot’s license. What with already bein on the threat list, I had to shelf it and rewrite the year’s goals.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Nîmes, France. It’s where denim was invented.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... celebrating my LP release around a fan's house. His dad cooked amazing food for my whole band and friends and cracked open their best booze and made me smoke cigars all nite.

Jason Nocito
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... the theme song to the Sopranos.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... move out of NYC.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Atlanta.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... going to a strip club called Body Tap and getting called “The Geico Man” by the MC all night.

Rob Mazurek
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Satie, "Famous Pieces," performed by Jeanne Pierre Armengaud
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... learn Portuguese.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Zilina, Slovakia.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... Jason Ajemian's bass exploding during the Exploding Star Orchestra concert.

Nico Muhly
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Final Fantasy, The CN Tower Belongs to the Dead
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... spend a week without speaking.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Gøta, the Faroe Islands, for a music festival.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... lunch with a lady Marine Biologist of a Certain Age and she had me smell the metallic tang of her whaling knife.

Patterson Hood
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Sly and the Family Stone There’s A Riot Goin On (Reissue)
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... actually take a vacation.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Tulsa, OK
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... Playing at Cain’s Ballroom (former home of Bob Wills). Great venue.

Knox Robinson
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... a tie between Kellz “Same Girl” remix and Hypnotic Brass Ensemble “War.”
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... manage the band I was “managing.”
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Dublin.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... pouring a full bottle of Spanish rioja on a beautiful girl and watching her get thrown out of the club for it.

Brian Degraw
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Brian Eno, Another Day On Earth
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... dry out.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Istanbul.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... severe panic attacks.

Mark Ronson
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... the opening theme to the TV program “Arrested Development.”
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... clean my room.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Moscow.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... walking through Red Square at 2 in the morning.

Valgeir Sigurdsson
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Sam Amidon, All is Well, which is going to be out in 2008.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... spend enough time with Ben Frost.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Minneapolis. Well actually the Minneapolis airport.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... that regardless of me being deported, my friends and bandmates, lead by Nico Muhly, still performed my music and his to a sold-out crowd at the Southern Theater, as scheduled.

Damon McMahon
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Burial
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... think of a thing I didn’t manage to do that I regret.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Kiev.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... eating a ham sandwich, and this waitress with big tits.

Cole Alexander
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Wendy Rene, “After Laughter (Comes Tears).” It is dark sad weird and I guess funny. It’s beautiful, it was probably made most famous now ’days from being sampled by Wu Tang Clan on their 36 Chambers record.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... My only regret is when I lost my passport and got stranded in Portugal and missed playing on “The Culture Show” on the BBC. It would have been cool and I was all alone and bored.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Bethlehem
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... It was quite distinct for me. We played next to a mosque. It was quite sweet and there were lots of children. It was a strange context for our rock band. The most distinct moment was when we played “Johhny B. Goode” and the kids were familiar with it and they sang a Hamas chant over the top of it.

Juston Stens
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Sibylle Baier, Colour Green
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... convince Giselle Bundchen to go on a date with me.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Brisbane.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... driving an hour south to Springbrook for a hike. On the path we came along a little mullet, a common skink.

Hank Shteamer
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Say Anything, “Alive with the Glory of Love”
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... learn how to play the piano.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Lubbock, TX.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... playing a show with a party rapper who went by the name Burgers.

Thomas Bartlett
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... R Kelly, “Step in the Name of Love”
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... blackout for more than a few hours at a time.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Moscow.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... sitting in traffic.

Paul Major
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... the Geico Caveman commercial where he's on the moving sidewalk at the airport. “And every place I go, always something to remind me, of another place and time....” Song of the year.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... pay off my back taxes.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Buffalo, NY.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... being on Endless Boogie tour where it took 45 minutes to find a candy bar even though we were downtown. The place is deserted...

David Banner
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... The Greatest Story Ever Told (my new album) because it has been a year in the making.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... spend more time with my father before he passed.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Prague.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... 7000 non-English speaking Europeans screaming DA-ZID BANNAH and chanting the words to my songs.

Brian De Ran
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... The Best of Tim Hardin.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... buy a new bed.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Las Vegas.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... breast implants and blackjack.

Ewen Spencer
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Teenage Fanclub, “Take the Skinheads Bowling” (from a live BBC session).
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... meet up with Martin.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Lublijana, Slovenia.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... swimming in a purpose built
19th century oak pool, fed by a 26 degree [Celsius] warm natural spring, situated in a
remote valley covered with snow.

Joshua Wildman
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Esther Phillips, “Home is Where the Hatred Is.”
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... Get out of the country. I didn’t leave the States. That’s a bummer.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Fayetteville, Arkansas
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... I saw the most drunk people I ever saw. They were all zombies. The whole bar.

Rick Ross
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... “We Taken Over.” It was a big record for my brother DJ Khaled and the entire movement. We shot it in my city. It was genius. I knew it was gonna be pretty big but when Akon came the way he came, he took it there.
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... sign an in-house producer to the company. We about expanding. Someone who can bring that custom sound. Snoop had his Dre, Big had his Puff. In 2008, that’s definitely goin down.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... The Dominican Republic.
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... that it’s one of the islands we always overlooked. We do shows in the islands all the time but we had never really touched that spot. My distinct memory is the strip clubs. It reminded me of a very extra-Spanish Miami. There was like a bunch of J-Lo’s in the club. Some of them were badder than J-Lo.

Hank Sullivant
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Spacemen 3, “Big City (Everybody I Know Can Be Found Here)”
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... decide Myspace wasn’t gay.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... London
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... I remember playing on the BBC radio Christmas special with MGMT surrounded by a sauced Kazoo marching band and a bonzo-wasted reindeer helium choir. Airs Christmas Eve. Real.

Carol Lim
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... Beachwood Sparks, “By Your Side”
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... go to the pyramids.
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Guimaraes, Portugal
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... the monastery hotel is so enchanting.

Kevin Pedersen
1. The piece of music I listened to more than any other in 2007 has been... ?
2. One regret about 2007 is that I never managed to... ?
3. a. One city or town I went to this year that I had never been to before is... Vancouver
b. My most distinct memory from being there is... I was there to see this band Sex Vid—their single “Tania” is a rager. It was a week before my brother’s bachelor party and I had dinner and strip clubs planned but nothing crazy. Anyway in Van City there was an old man singing with this band and I asked my local friend Jeff, “Who is the geezer?” He says, “Oh that’s William Gibson.” My brother was a huge WG fan and on one occasion made me go to a book signing for him. Here was my chance to convince my brother’s favorite author to fly to NY and hang out and blow my bro’s mind with some far out stories and cement my place as coolest brother ever. I went up to the old guy as he was thrusting his hips toward a wall in some bizarre dance and asked, “Are you William Gibson?” He replied, “Only if there’s cash in advance.”

97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007

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Each contributor to the 12 DAYS OF SPIDERRIFFMAS was told: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito? Also if anybody knows what happened to my man Don Pollyanna get at me! Also if anybody knows a good dentist-- FANG.

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YEAR IN RIFFS: CHRIS SCHLEICHER
My Riff: The Year in Music

When I was first asked to cover the year in music, I was a little intimidated. Me writing about music? For some background, I kind of look like a 1950s prom king and my music sensibilities tend to be very Dick-Clark-American-Bandstand-it-has-a-good-beat-and-you-can-dance-to-it. Who am I to judge music? I don’t even know what Pitchfork is. Is it a magazine? Is it a website? No, wait, maybe it’s a blogosphere. I’m pretty sure it’s a blogosphere.

But wait a second, I have just as much of a right to say what I think about the year in music as any of those hipster indie types. (Did I use those words right? Can hipster and indie be the same thing or are they deadly enemies like Bloods and Kryps?) I may be a slave to the top 40, but that doesn’t mean I can’t come up with a valid top 10 songs that made a difference in music this year. Strap yourselves in and get ready for a ride into my dome. This is my year in music:

#10 – Rihanna ft. Jay-Z – Umbrella
Nothing happened in music between Jan. 1 and March 28th. Then Rihanna dropped this bomb on us all the way from Barbados – a place I’m pretty sure is a country, but might be a resort in Florida somewhere. And this bomb wasn’t one of those scary bombs that hurt the nervous systems of subway-goers. It was a bomb filled with joy, life, Apple Garageband’s Vintage Funk Kit 03, and a good beat that you could dance to. Yes, Rihanna, I will stand under your umbrella anytime. And I will gladly listen to Jay-Z rap while we comfortable share one of those large golf umbrellas that are awkward to walk down a sidewalk with.

#9 – Rihanna – Umbrella (Lindbergh Palace Remix)
You can only play the original “Umbrella” a couple thousand times before it gets boring. Let’s remix this bad boy. I’m sitting around listening to “Umbrella,” caressing my signed autograph of Rihanna when I think to myself, “I wish there was a version of Umbrella that was a lot like the original, but somehow gayer.” Then I hear this remix. It makes you want to go out, put on some body glitter, sit down to watch “Project Runway,” but then change the channel to a hockey game because you refuse to perpetuate a stereotype. This one comes in at #9 because of the unfortunate reference to Lindbergh in the title. Did you know he was a Nazi?

#8 – Rihanna ft. Elephant Man – Umbrella (Dancehall Remix)
I shake my Magic 8 ball and say, “Magic 8 ball, send me a reggaeton version of Umbrella.” It sends me this delightful re-imagining of... the greatest song ever written? P.S. Rihanna, have I ever told you that you are beautiful? Because I think you are beautiful. You don’t have to respond. Just mull it over.

#7 – Rihanna ft. Lil Mama – Umbrella Remix
I like when people are clear with their intentions. Lil Mama, you didn’t disappoint me, starting your remix with the words “Remix. This is the remix. Remix. This is the remix.” You make me wonder how in fact “Umbrella” is like “The Magic School Bus” as you claim. But then I realize. “Umbrella” is a lot like “The Magic School Bus.” They’re both about learning, loving, living, and the water cycle.

#6 – Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo - Hate That I Love You
Nice job, Rihanna. You’ve remixed this to an almost unrecognizable level. New lyrics too. I’m starting to worry about you though. Maybe you should get back to basics. And who’s this Ne-Yo guy? Maybe you should get around to answering your fan mail before you go out making new friends and writing new lyrics. Just saying. Maybe you should give something back every now and then. I made you a hand-turkey. Still waiting for the “thank you.”

#5 – Rihanna ft. Travis Barker – Umbrella Remix
There we go, Rihanna. A lot like the original but much, much louder. Check plus.

#4 – Mandy Moore – Umbrella
I loved Chasing Liberty.

#3 – Rihanna - Umbrella (acoustic)
I’m so sorry that I doubted you, Rihanna. God damn you, I love you so much. Why do you make me do this to myself, Rihanna?

#2 – Rihanna ft. Chris Brown - Cinderella Under the Umbrella
Ok, Rihanna. I get it. You’ve found another Chris. And he’s gonna make you his Cinderella. I understand. He’s a big movie star. Stomp the Yard was great and truthspirational, and I’m sure Last Christmas is fun for the whole family, but come on. I gave you my heart. I’m sorry about all those messages I left you. I just... relationships are tough, huh. But you know, “took an oath I’m-a stick it out to the end” and all that. I’m gonna be a big man about this. I’m not jealous of this Chris Brown. I’m gonna put this song at #2 just to prove it to you.

#1 – Rihanna ft. Jay-Z – Umbrella (via youtube)
It’s been a rough year for the two of us. Ups and downs. Rainstorms and more rainstorms. I’d almost forgotten what made me love you. I usually stop watching your video on youtube when it seems like the song is over. But this time, I watched it to the end, and saw your personal message: “Thanks for watching my new video. I’m really excited about being a CoverGirl, so make sure you check out my favorite gloss, Fruit Spritzers at covergirl.com.” All this time, you’d been thanking me every time I watched your video and I was just too impatient to realize it. I can be such an idiot sometimes. I love you because you are a CoverGirl and you are easy and breezy and beautiful and yes I will try out Fruit Spritzers. They look delicious.

97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007

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Each contributor to the 12 DAYS OF SPIDERRIFFMAS was told: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito? Also if anybody knows what happened to my man Don Pollyanna get at me! Also if anybody knows a good dentist-- FANG.

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YEAR IN RIFFS: SEAN BOYLAND
The Song Belongs To Everyone Now

A caveat: Prior to riffing, I conducted research to find out what happened this year in music, since I did not, for the most part, notice. An obvious exception is Person Pitch, which was good. Did you know that? More information on the topic can be found on the Internet. I deleted my first and dull effort, preserving in the following two key points - my clumsy efforts to connect to today's youth, and the apparent continuing existence of The Pipettes. I added a charming personal anecdote, and the eschatological woes which consumed many of my idle moments in 2007.

Neon Bible was bad, but 8 Diagrams and In Rainbows were not.

A while ago, I decided that I should familiarize myself with popular American culture, and watch High School Musical or its sequel or listen to My Chemical Romance or Rihanna or etc, but I did not. At Thanksgiving, my cousins and I had to explain what High School Musical and Hannah Montana were to our various parents. Then my older cousins and I had to try to discuss the Hudgens nude pictures and other High School Musical related scandals without letting Anna, who is younger, know what we were talking talking about. It was hilarious.

I have not yet found the kind of skeptical-yet-forgiving mood that would compel me to watch I'm Not There, so add that to your list of things I did not do in 2007. Another entry is "care about Walk Hard." I saw Rock the Bells, which was great.

Western civilization is going to collapse. Climate change, AIDS, super-resistant bacteria, and impoverished former SSR's with nuclear arsenals have been with us for a while. It's just that now they're all going to happen. Did you know that Russia has more nuclear warheads than the rest of the world combined? I hope that everything is going well over there! I bet it is! I just bring up all this doom and gloom stuff for fun because there is going to be a global economic depression imminently.

The Pipettes (they still exist!) seem like the musical equivalent of the magic jelly-beans in Harry Potter that taste like earwax. Clearly not the sort of jelly-bean anyone should put in their mouths, yet look at all the children, grinning like monkeys and holding bags of the things. Go figure! Except I think part of the Pipettes' appeal is sex appeal, so imagine the children also have pornography. Fetish pornography, for people who get turned on by giant eyeglasses and women dressed in the kind of clothes our grandmothers wore. I imagine there's a really juicy spread in the middle of the magazine with a woman talking on a bakelite phone while using a canister vacuum and rationing meat. Are you ready to have sex yet, reader? Did you know that the Pipettes don't even write their own music? That's right: sweater-wearing greasy-haired nerds are now a lucrative enough demographic that someone manufactured a Menudo/Vengaboys style fake music group just to cater to them. Who is your favorite Pipette? Mine's the ugly one!

I never thought I would say this, but I became somewhat fond of a song by the Incredible String Band, "Swift As the Wind." For the benefit of younger readers, Incredible String Band is similar to and almost as awful as The Decembrists (sp?).

Song of the year - honorable mentions to Nurse & Soldier for that song I liked, "Goin' Against Your Mind" which I listened to more this year than last, "Wolves" of course, next year's "Three Way" from the Magnetic Fields, "Hey Muscles I Love You," Liz Pappademas, Aqueduct, The Little Ones, "Violent Past," oh, all kinds of great songs. And the winner is: "Five Years" by David Bowie. Enjoy it while you can, because next year it will be comically inaccurate. Because next year it will only be four years until the apocalypse. And zero years until the global economic depression.

The best album of 2007 was Spiderman of the Rings by Dan Deacon.

But, reader! I actually did join in on part of contemporary culture this year. I learned how to crank dat Soulja Boy. In totally 2007 fashion, I loaded up "Soulja Boy Tellem - How to Crank That - INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO!" on my Wii's Opera, cleared my coffee table to the side, and obeyed patiently. I am one of the over twenty one million views of Soulja Boy's instructional video on how to crank dat. In fact, I'm several, maybe a couple dozen. I don't crank dat well; I don't crank dat suitably for public exhibition, but if pressed, I can crank dat. Yes, note my repeated use of "dat" where Soulja Boy himself at times says "that." Look, jerks, the song belongs to everyone now, that's the whole point. It doesn't matter. I did it because I liked the song. Because I liked the way the people on YouTube danced, all the teens in their uniformly nice suburban houses, with the same undecorated beige walls from the YouTube videos of teens playing songs on electric piano from Final Fantasy IV or Regina Spektor or what have you and the same as all YouTube videos - you know, AMERICA, where I resent teens for being upper middle class, but sympathize with them for their mundane parents' dull beige homes, but also envy their abilities to play the electric piano/dance. I did it because I generally mean to dance more, in my private moments, to get better at dancing and to exercise, although I rarely remember. Because it's fun to have projects. Because I really do want to connect somehow with America's youth. The whole process was super earnest, readers! Suck it!

If I had money, I guess I would probably convert my cash and other financial assets into hard goods, mainly bullets and some canned foods. If, if, if! I know it sucks to be a war profiteer, but it also sucks to not be a war profiteer in a world where only war profiteers have fun. Anyways, we only have so many years of uncivilized chaos before climate change and epidemics kill everyone, so may as well live it up trading bullets for cigarettes, right?

I'd like to live in a cave in Nunavut for a while, cook on the fire, hunt for food and talk to my dog. I'd like to loot the occasional condo complex. I'd like to steal a book from the library about how to plant things, compile my own sort of Junior Woodchuck's Guidebook/Tobin's Spirit Guide/American Boy's Handy Book. Folks, I think I'm going to like the latest of many arrivals of the eternal hun! Until we all die from heat stroke and lack of potable water.

Some Loud Thunder - **** of *****. Did that come out in 2007 or 2006?

97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007

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Each contributor to the 12 DAYS OF SPIDERRIFFMAS was told: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito? Also if anybody knows what happened to my man Don Pollyanna get at me! Also if anybody knows a good dentist-- FANG.

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YEAR IN RIFFS: PETER NELSON
Classical Music in 2007

So I've been hearing some conflicting facts about classical music these days:

"Classical music is dead!"

"Classical music is more alive than ever!"

"So classical music is both dead and alive like some sort of vampire-zombie?!?!"

"Have you played Quake? You can only kill zombies with explosives."

What to make of all this? I've boiled down all the hubbub to the absolute core essentials:

-Over 19,000 new classical music releases this year alone.

-Pregnant women listening to Mozart will give birth to babies that look a lot like Mozart.

-Yo-Yo Ma is still alive.

Even though none of these things is true, it still makes me optimistic for 2008.

Plus, here's my all-time top five classical music albums (revised for 2007):
1. Amadeus Soundtrack
2. Amadeus Gold Soundtrack
3. Amadeus Special Remaster Soundtrack
4. Amadeus [listening to the DVD audio with the TV turned off]
5. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik

In sum, I present you with some notable happenings of classical music's 2007:

-Philip Glass' new composition, The Book of Longing, was set to the poetry of Leonard Cohen.

-Electric violinist Tracy Silverman played concerts of John Adams' ethereal The Dharma at Big Sur.

-Dawn Upshaw sang again and received a MacArthur grant.

-Twenty-six year old sensation Gustavo Dudamel took the helm of the Los Angeles Philharmonic.

-New Yorker critic Alex Ross released his much-anticipated, expansive, and inordinately sage The Rest Is Noise.

-Choral composer Morten Lauridsen was recognized with a National Medal of Arts.

-Zarin Mehta announced the New York Philharmonic will be cultural ambassadors to Pyongyang.

-András Schiff played and talked about all 32 Beethoven sonatas for The Guardian, who released these lectures for free online.

-The passings of Stockhausen, Rostropovich, Sills, and Pavarotti were mourned.

97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007

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Each contributor to the 12 DAYS OF SPIDERRIFFMAS was told: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito? Also if anybody knows what happened to my man Don Pollyanna get at me! Also if anybody knows a good dentist-- FANG.

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YEAR IN RIFFS: ALAN YANG
THIS YEAR IN GUNS

This year, instead of listening to music, I decided to get into guns. It wasn’t hard. Every time I thought about listening to a song on iTunes, I shot Steve Jobs instead. Every time I wanted to hear Arcade Fire, I let Win Butler shoot Steve Jobs. Guns are very versatile.

Wikipedia defines a gun as a metal thing that shoots holes in cowboys’ hats [citation needed]. Armed with this information, I went to a gun range, where I armed myself in a different way – with information from a gun brochure.

I then went back to this gun range every day for the remainder of 2007. Needless to say, I learned a lot about guns. You shouldn’t wave them around, even if you make it very clear you’re doing a bit. You can paint a gun gold, but you can’t force people to call you The Man With The Golden Gun. You can grind guns up, and that’s how you make gunpowder. I tried many guns:

9 MILLIMETER
This is a starter gun, or as it’s advertised, “Finally, a gun for babies designed by babies.”

STARBURY HANDGUN
Because he sympathizes so much with underprivileged youth, professional basketballer Stephon Marbury came up with the idea of manufacturing these guns, which retail for a very reasonable five cents per gun. The only catch is, everyone knows how cheap they are, so they’re not cool – even though they’re guns. Also, they’re not guns. They are plastic knives.

DICK CHENEY RIFLE
A fluted bolt shroud and stainless steel barrel make this rifle lighter than most, and a .705 inch muzzle diameter enhances accuracy and heat resistance.

RUGER P345, “THE HUMAN-KILLER”
“Human-Killer” is a misnomer – this gun specializes in killing women.

WALTHER P22 SEMI-AUTOMATIC, CHO SEUNG-HUI AUTOGRAPHED MODEL
They don’t sell this. That would be pretty fucked up if they did, though.

CHO SEUNG-HUI
I brought in a supersized poster of this guy and they allowed me to use it as my target.

MATTHEW MURRAY
Likewise.

JFK
They did not allow this one.

A SHEET OF PAPER WITH THE WORDS “THE PRESIDENT” WRITTEN ON IT
No.

FASHION’S TOP “GUNN” OF 2007
Michael Kors.

97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007

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Each contributor to the 12 DAYS OF SPIDERRIFFMAS was told: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito? Also if anybody knows what happened to my man Don Pollyanna get at me! Also if anybody knows a good dentist-- FANG.

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YEAR IN RIFFS: ROB KLEIN
One Morning in the Life of a Guy Who Posts Comments on the Internet

Good morning, internet! You're looking well, old friend. Share with me now your delights, won't you?

I believe I shall begin with youtube. I do so love a good youtube! Look, here is a short comedic video made by some teenagers.

...

Hm. Not as funny as I'd hoped. Though I do suppose it could've been worse. I shall offer them my honest reaction by typing out a brief yet pithy comment: "I think...that you guys are fags...and I honestly wish...I could cut off your dicks...and rape you to death with them..."

There. That seems fair. Onward then, to politics! I think I'll read some conservative blogs today. I know I'm a democrat but perhaps this will be the day OH MY GOD WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK IS THIS. WHO DOES THIS GAPING ASSHOLE THINK HE IS EXPRESSING CONSERVATIVE VIEWPOINTS ON A WEBSITE FOR CONSERVATIVES. Goodness. I must help this vulgarian to see the error in his ways. I shall do this by comparing him to a bucket full of a retarded man's farts.

Aaaand done. What's next? Ah, here's an imdb thread addressing the films of Will Ferrell. And this commenter thinks "Blades of Glory" his best performance. Ha! I shall set him straight, posthaste! "Everyone...with half a brain...knows the jews planned 9-11."

You know, I'm not certain that actually gets across all my thoughts on Will Ferrell. Yet it makes some valuable points, like my hatred of jews, and the fact that I am an idiot. I think I'll leave it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go chat with some coworkers and serve as coach to my daughter's youth soccer team.

97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007