RIFF MARKET

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DID SOMEBODY CALL THE EXTERMINATOR?! Yolanda?! Ha ha! Nope with a capital P! But seriously this is your man The Real Spiderfang, aka the Nope Pope, aka Three-Piece Crank Addict, aka Spiderfang, aka Frosty the All-Organic Hummus-Eating Snowman, aka Lemme Just Say that it is with great pleasure to say that it is the second day of Spiderriffmas here at Riff Market. This week and next I got lined up some of the hottest talent in the game to tell you all what's what. What?! For the next week or so you're gonna be getting your internet Neutrogena on at the riff sink and every damn day there's gonna be like a hundred spiders crawling out the drain being like "damn lover you're gonna need a lot more than 2.5% salicylic to stop this breakout"--let the boys be boys am I right?!?! Each contributor to the 12 Days of Spiderriffmas was told listen: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito? 2006 may have been the Year of the Dog but you don't gotta ask Charlotte to know 2007 is the Year of Some Pig. Rell! XOXO. -FANG

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"Don't Riff Me, Bro!"
By Diablo Cody

Not to get all Zeitgeisty McZeitgeist on y'all, but is it me or was like 2007 like an entire year directed by David Lynch on crack?! First of all, I've found myself spending more time in Hell.A., Cali-PORN-ia than any self-respecting member of the blogerati ever should. (Believe me, I would rather perform a Dirty Sanchez on Darth Cheney while watching Ishtar than admit that I live in a town full of silicone-tastic, man-scaping celebutards. Honestly, sometimes I feel so out of place it's like I'm Balki Bartokomous!) Then, every movie critic this side of Fallujah is saying that the little flick I doodled out is all of a sudden becoming my generation's Napoleon Dynamite. So surreal, you guys.

Anyway, here's the dealio on some of the things this year that have made me totally rock out with my cock out:

TV Show:
Californication - Do you ever have that feeling where you watch something and you're just like, " Jeebus H. Christmas, I wish I had wrote that!" That's how I feel whenever I watch Californication (not that I've owned a tv since like, Charles in Charge. By the way is C in C era Scott Baio like a total Babe-raham Lincoln or what? I totally get a lady-boner just thinking about it!). At any rate, there's such a dope truthiness about the dialog, characters, and situations in this show, it's more like reading a great novel than watching television, which again, I don't.

Album:
Matt & Kim (s/t) - These guys are like a really obscure version of the White Stripes, but like waaaay darker. There's a part of Brooklyn called Williamsburg that I have been to and this album is like the soundtrack to that place. It's that cool.

Movie:
I know, you're probably thinking I'm gonna be all Pluggy McObviousberg here and pick the J-Dog, but I'm gonna say that the best movie you've never seen this year was this. Or this. Or this. Where do I find this stuff? I know what you're thinking. Am I the sick one for posting it or are you sick for liking it?

Serious Issue:
Darfur.

97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007

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DID SOMEBODY CALL THE EXTERMINATOR?! Yolanda?! Ha ha! Nope with a capital P! But seriously this is your man The Real Spiderfang, aka the Nope Pope, aka Three-Piece Crank Addict, aka Spiderfang, aka Frosty the All-Organic Hummus-Eating Snowman, aka Lemme Just Say that it is with great pleasure to say that it is the second day of Spiderriffmas here at Riff Market. This week and next I got lined up some of the hottest talent in the game to tell you all what's what. What?! For the next week or so you're gonna be getting your internet Neutrogena on at the riff sink and every damn day there's gonna be like a hundred spiders crawling out the drain being like "damn lover you're gonna need a lot more than 2.5% salicylic to stop this breakout"--let the boys be boys am I right?!?! Each contributor to the 12 Days of Spiderriffmas was told listen: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito? 2006 may have been the Year of the Dog but you don't gotta ask Charlotte to know 2007 is the Year of Some Pig. Rell! XOXO. -FANG

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YEAR IN RIFFS: FARLEY KATZ
WAR AND PEACE



97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007

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DID SOMEBODY CALL THE EXTERMINATOR?! Yolanda?! Ha ha! Nope with a capital P! But seriously this is your man The Real Spiderfang, aka the Nope Pope, aka Three-Piece Crank Addict, aka Spiderfang, aka Frosty the All-Organic Hummus-Eating Snowman, aka Lemme Just Say that it is with great pleasure to say that it is the first day of Spiderriffmas here at Riff Market. This week and next I got lined up some of the hottest talent in the game to tell you all what's what. What?! For the next week or so you're gonna be getting your internet Neutrogena on at the riff sink and every damn day there's gonna be like a hundred spiders crawling out the drain being like "damn lover you're gonna need a lot more than 2.5% salicylic to stop this breakout"--let the boys be boys am I right?!?! Each contributor to the 12 Days of Spiderriffmas was told listen: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito? 2006 may have been the Year of the Dog but you don't gotta ask Charlotte to know 2007 is the Year of Some Pig. Rell! XOXO. -FANG

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YEAR IN RIFFS: BEN DOUGAN
Back In Dillon

“I was wondering, I have an extra ticket to the Decemberists, and I thought maybe…”
“Oh… yeah!”
-Julie Taylor and Matt Saracen, Friday Night Lights


Dillon, Texas
11.02.07

The standing-room-only crowd is buzzing with excitement. This is the night they’ve been dreaming about ever since tickets sold out in 45 seconds on the day the concert was announced two years ago. After a seemingly endless national tour, The Decemberists are back in Dillon.

The venue is a veritable who’s who of local celebrities. Up front, Panthers coach Eric Taylor wonders aloud whether organist Jenny Conlee will cover Laura Veirs’s guest vocals on “Yankee Bayonet (I Will Be Home Then).” Meanwhile, running back Smash Williams eagerly explains to car dealer Buddy Garrity that “The Bachelor and the Bride” is a reference to the Marcel Duchamp sculpture La mariée mis à nu par ses célibataires, même--of which Garrity, judging by his bored look, is obviously well aware already.

“Shanty for the Arethusa!” Tim Riggins shouts, in between long pulls on a handle of Cutty Sark, which he says he drinks because the logo reminds him of the cover art for Castaways and Cutouts. “Fucking play Shanty for the Arethusa!” Guidance counselor Tami Taylor just shakes her head, as if to say: Yeah, like they’d open with Shanty.

Finally, the band appears and – as Decemberists fan club president Tyra Collette would later describe it – everyone surges toward the stage “like a wave cresting over a brigantine’s gunwale.”

It’s Friday night, and nobody could give fuck one about high school football.

97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007

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DID SOMEBODY CALL THE EXTERMINATOR?! Yolanda?! Ha ha! Nope with a capital P! But seriously this is your man The Real Spiderfang, aka the Nope Pope, aka Three-Piece Crank Addict, aka Spiderfang, aka Frosty the All-Organic Hummus-Eating Snowman, aka Lemme Just Say that it is with great pleasure to say that it is the first day of Spiderriffmas here at Riff Market. This week and next I got lined up some of the hottest talent in the game to tell you all what's what. What?! For the next week or so you're gonna be getting your internet Neutrogena on at the riff sink and every damn day there's gonna be like a hundred spiders crawling out the drain being like "damn lover you're gonna need a lot more than 2.5% salicylic to stop this breakout"--let the boys be boys am I right?!?! Each contributor to the 12 Days of Spiderriffmas was told listen: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito? 2006 may have been the Year of the Dog but you don't gotta ask Charlotte to know 2007 is the Year of Some Pig. Rell! XOXO. -FANG

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YEAR IN RIFFS: ERIK KENWARD
The Diamond Mine

Writers’ strike notwithstanding, I earn my living as a comedy writer. My memory isn’t always the greatest so I carry around one of those check-me-out-I’m-a-writer Moleskine notebooks. I know dude, but seriously no judgment zone, okay? Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I finally filled one of them up after five years. The following is a semi-annotated selection of bits, premises, lines, jokes, “jokes,” detritus, ephemera, riffs and other assorted comedy ingredients that I can assure you will never see the light of day elsewhere, mostly because they are about butts, poops, dicks, and boobs. I know, right? Anyway, they are all terrible, more or less useless and largely transcribed verbatim.

-You know how some people tell everyone “oh, I don’t own a t.v. set?” A sketch about a guy who proudly tells everyone that he “doesn’t own a toilet” because he’s just “not into all that bathroom-y stuff.” Like he’s above it. He just shits wherever. “I don’t make a big deal out it.”

-Something for a sassy, but inspiring gay guy to say: “Mind your own beave’ wax, honey.” (Maybe this is something people say already and I just don’t know? Historically I don’t write a lot of things with characters who could credibly say things like that so this little conversation nug has been on ice for quite a few years now.)

-Asshole transplants

-As part of the “Lord Of The Rings” DVD extras, an interview with the guy from WETA who sculpted the cave troll’s dick and balls. He knows that ultimately it’s not going to be seen by the audience – covered by a loincloth – but he’s still proud of it on the grounds of strict verisimilitude. He talks about their prototype designs, how it was important not to be constrained by notions of humanoid anatomy – like maybe it could have a tusk on the end, or a baby’s face, or a mouth, an opposable thumb, or have horns like a ram’s head and suckers like an octopus. There are further interviews with the guy they had to hire to serve as the genital model because the artist wasn’t comfortable using his own penis and testicles as a reference.

-Something for a weird guy to say: “My buddy has a thing like one of those jet engine space heaters. Except it shoots horse manure.”

-A mom and dad rent a Moonbounce for their son’s birthday, but it is shaped like a giant ass with a realistic, textured butt hole.

-An “urban” remake of the horror classic “The Blob,” called the “The Bass,” about super-low frequencies that eat people. (This is not such a bad idea actually. Maybe I’ll write this after the strike.)

-A conversation with a guy who’s really into Ernie Hudson movies (I don’t know where I thought this particular idea was going when I wrote it down. As I consult Ernie Hudson’s IMDB entry I see that he’s worked very consistently for the last thirty years. I also see that one of his ‘in production,’ 2008 credits is for “Ghostbusters: The Video Game.”)

-A public service announcement-looking ad with an obviously mentally disabled kid and a big baseball player swinging a bat. Scenes of the baseball player with other disabled kids. You think the ad is going to be about how the baseball player does United Way charity work; then you realize that actually this guy has been going around smacking kids in the head with a baseball bat, damaging their brains. Tagline: “Every time he takes a bat in his hands he makes a new retarded person.”

-A sketch about a troop of very clinically precise Miami-style booty rappers who are fixated on the design and musculature of the butt not so much in terms of sex (although there is that too), but as marvel of evolution – i.e. the notion that human beings evolved anal sphincters as a consequence of walking upright, otherwise loose turds would fall out on the ground all the time, etc.
Sample lines:
-“Leave your ass broke, shit leaking out the anus/My cock so big, it got two heads like Janus”
-“Got the bass to make you shake your shitbin” (A lot of this one looks like it’s not in my handwriting. The lines seem to have very little to do with the premise.)

-An ad for a body spray for idiots, like TAG or Ax. It smells like a big ol’ dirty dick. The conceit – as far as idiots are concerned – being that ladies will think you have a big dick if it’s so apparently smelly. BAG: The dick amplifier?

-Something a very dumb guy who seems smarter than he is could say: “Look. Cars are the most famous thing on Earth.”

-In old movies when a character is poisoned by the natives’ poison he always hears the pounding of the drums – “The drums! The drums!” Sketch about a very successful r&b producer named Dr. Ibogaine whose only production technique is to shoot people with poisoned blowgun darts. Renowned for his drum programming.

-Terrible product name: Herbal Auschwitz Shampoo

-A fake movie promo: Ghost President. “This fall the commander in chief … is a ghost! After a successful assassination attempt, the leader of the free world is now a mischievous, fun-loving ghost. But he can’t let other the other world leaders know the truth.” His trusty chief of staff has to cover for him. His Achilles’ heel is that he can’t help but say “boo” all the time.

-A TV chef with very bad similes – “You want the chicken breast to be a deep brown – brown like a homeless man’s tan.” “Look at this fresh mozzarella – mmm, mmm – white like the eye of a sightless cavefish.”

-Bad name for an “extreme candy” (like Warheads or Alien Drool): Granddad’s Jism

-An office tech services guy who insists on referring to laptops as “nut cancer machines.”

-A terrible character sketch comedy character (or an equally terrible name for a hardcore band): John Wayne Gacy Kasem

-A terrible name for any kind of band: Shitsplitter

-Bad fake lyrics to “Easy” by Lionel Ritchie: "And I'm greasy/Greasy like a monkey's nutsack."

-Pot comedy set in Nazi Germany – filmmaker, Stoni Reefer-stahl.

Also, these are my top ten favorite albums of 2007 not on my personal official list of top ten best albums of 2007. In no particular order:

Middian – Age Eternal
Stars Of The Lid – And Their Refinement Of The Decline
Alcest – Souvenirs d’un autre monde
Jay-Z – American Gangster
Deathspell Omega – Fas – Ite, Maledicti, In Ignem Aeternum
Caribou –Andorra
Kalabrese – Rumpelzirkus
Parts & Labor – Mapmaker
Pantha Du Prince – This Bliss
Charles Mingus Sextet with Eric Dolphy – Cornell 1964

The Middian album is easily one of the best flat-out rock records of the year and it doesn’t seem like anyone is really talking about it; “Dreamless Eye” makes getting stared at by Galactus sound like one of the most kick-ass predicaments ever. I think I probably physically played Stars of the Lid more than anything else this year. And the Mingus album is truly heartbreaking – an alternate universe best band in Jazz history. Clifford Jordan’s solo on “Take The ‘A’ Train” still stuns. And that it basically flatfoots Eric Dolphy, of all people, is still hard to get one’s head around.

97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007

PARTRIDGE FAMILY IN A PEAR TREE, MANG!

Yes! This is the Real Spiderfang here, coming at you live four hours ago with a special announcement about THE 12 DAYS OF SPIDERRIFFMAS:



ZIP UP WITH YOUR DICK UP!




IT IS ON!

You don't even want to know who I got lined up for this. I've got my man Ghost Blazer. I've got Thomas from Thomas' Myspace Editor. I've got Pimp from Pimp My Profile.com. Did somebody say Diablo Cody?! Take two of these slap bracelets and call me in the morning, lover! You're on timeout! I've got Diablo Cody. All next week and maybe tomorrow and Friday depending on whether my man Ghost Blazer gets back to me, as well as this girl I know who did guerrilla PR for the Josh Groban record, you are not going to wanting to be leaving this spot!



RUSTY IS STILL IN THE NAVY!

Also if anybody found my rabbit fur coat can you hit me on an email blast? Pretty sure I left it outside Sahadi's after a hummus run. MAILTO: REALSPIDERFANG@GMAIL.COM

-FANG

Labels: spiderfang, year-in-riffs-2007