10 November 2007
SPIDERFANG VS. SPIDERBITERS
SPIDERBITERS FORCE THE REAL SPIDERFANG TO THROW DOWN THE INFINITY GAUNTLET
TURN UP ALL MY MOTHERFUCKING LEVELS
ARACHNOFANGBIA IS IN FULL EFFECT
VENOM THROW SOME D'S ON ME
They say imitation is flattery but look when you're already forced to spoonfeed a rap side project post by post just so the muppets you used to call your colleagues don't forkcast your ass into the WTF section while the fucking The Tough Alliance get BNM for inventing the music equivalent of that Ikea wardrobe made of corrugated plastic and a fucking burlap sack--when you're already forced to dumb yourself down (and allah forbid you make a song about it, the next thing you know you're the subject of a Status Ain't Hood post on a slow news day and butt of a joke of a man who named himself after a piece of cotton on a stick, Lupe my man, keep your Ds to yourself already!), the last thing you need is some garbanzo coming at you on an email blast about "yo this is Spiderfang LOL, I got a new song on Myspace ROFL, it's called Google Earth Bitches WHODI WHOO, it's exactly just like the song you just mentioned you were thinking about recording on the riffs blog, I'm doing you son!" and then signing off like he's the real Spiderfang. Like he knows what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night with the sweat frozen to your eyebrows because your landlord's a shyster and your eyebrows haven't been plucked since ninth grade, in a sweat because you figured out how to cap that line you wrote about "a menstruating woman walks into a blood drive": "tries to squeegie her tampons tells doc i'm trying to survive." Big Daddy Kane, hold onto your receipts!
At the moment I am a serious recording artist. I do not have time to be playing around on the internet like it's 1998 and we're all moving gifs, like it's 2002 and we're all the Napster of Porn. If you want to touch nuts, lover, touch nuts, none of this graze nuts shit you ripped off the Eddie Murphy RAW video. Don't watch me, watch that Georgetown chick on Vimeo. Point being:
1. I am the Real Spiderfang.
2. For clarity, I am switching my name from Spiderfang to The Real Spiderfang. This is a temporary measure until all the other Spiderfangs play themselves out like fat aunts shouting "W00t W00t!" during disco songs at your best friend's bar mitzvah, like the skinny aunts complaining how disappointed they are that "Crank That" will never be the new Macarena.
3. I'm working on a new song, it's called "Danny Power Glover." The basic premise is, you seen that movie Royal Tansenbaum, my thing is: How would the movie be different if after Royal called Henry "Coltrane" in the kitchen, what if Henry busted out a tenor and started playing "Syeeda's Song Flute"? I am of the opinion that this would have significantly changed the outcome of the movie.
08 November 2007
SPIDERFANG BRAINSTORMER BARNBURNER! GET YOUR PAPER UP WILLY! THREE-PIECE CRANKS!
CUT THOSE FANGANAILS BROVIUS!
SPIDERFANG AT THE DRAFTING TABLE
HOLLER, NEW YORK 10069
Ghost and goblins whaddup! Hello new world and a special hello new world to my girl Carmen Sandiego! I am your loot your warrant your crook--holla at me baby! Venus H. Pencil, throw some Ds on me! So check it. Here are some new ideas for some songs I've been thinking about:
"Google Earth Bitches": You ever look at a map and say to yourself damn Fang! South America looking fresh today! Europa girlfriend, you my girl but we need to put you on the Spiderfang Workout Plan A-S-A-P! T.I. throw some Ds on me! Anyway the point of the song is freedom, cause all the continents--they're my Google Earth Bitches. Key verse: George Bush don't you pee on me/ Atlantis throw some Ds on me
"My Pet Monster.com" This is coming from somewhere in my heart, so you know it's true. Everything I do...HA. Just playing. This is a mean cut about how My Pet Monster (1989 holler!) applies for a job using Monster.com. Obviously the beat is sampling the My Pet Monster commercial from the television, but I'm also going to be typing over the beat, like it's I'm applying for a job on the internet. There's going to be a pretty fly verse up in this song too where My Pet Monster is reading a job description for like, a deliveryman or something, I haven't figured it out yet, maybe a postman (Juelz jump on this!), but anyway Monster's reading the description and at the end of it it says "monsters need not apply." Then Monster's like "FUCK THAT!" lol. Key verse: Don't give me no cookies/ I ain't like that/ Just give me the nookie/ And some health insurance/ And a 401K
06 November 2007
WATCH OUT CHARLOTTE! NEW SPIDERFANG MERCH! CHALLAH!!
SPIDERFANG ATTACKS THE WORLD WIDE WEB
A lot of people have been asking me "where can I buy a Spiderfang hoodie? how can I join the movement?" and up until a few seconds ago, there was no place to buy a Spiderhoodie, and the only thing moving was me, up and down and left and right the sweet silk of the cobweb I call hip-hop. Damn, Gina! I've also been working on some merch. I've been up on custom t-shirts dot com, and I've been up on Google Image Search, looking for the perfect clipart. You wouldn't believe all the whack Spiderfang biters up on Google Image Search. World of Warcraft watch your back! If anybody has a warez'd copy of World of Warcraft they can z-share me (with SN#) I think I can get you a discount on the new merch. FANG
05 November 2007
THE FIRST DAY OF MY VACATION
I WOKE UP
Was not expecting American Gangster to hit so hard. The obvious stuff, beats rhymes and life, your usual suspects have already run down in the usual spots ad nauseam, no need to belabor the obvious here (ie when Jay's on there's few better). "Ignorant Shit" hit me this morning finally, especially Bean's verse, the line about all-you-want edits though the curse will remain, the Scarface The Movie vs. The Rapper stuff--just how we take it as a given things can and will (and maybe even should) be censored musically, that at least TV adaptations have the benefit of the uncut in the theater debut. Is shorty a ten, or the shit? Big difference. Beyond that my guess is we're going to see a lot more of these "I remember when..." framed rap albums, not unlike what Nas did for Street Disciple, everything piped through as decade-old nostalgia, not brags in medias res but on the beat they carry the same punch. It's how old talented rappers can and will navigate a hip-hop landscape that wants nothing to do with old people or talented rappers. The extension here is Soulja Boy fifteen years from now. Will he remember for us how he cranked that?
THEN I WENT DOWNTOWN TO LOOK FOR A JOB
Trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. If he actually thinks the motorcycles (or the furniture, or the tele, or the carpet, which the audience so misleadingly coos for, like carpets are housewife diamonds or something, or maybe I just don't have respect for carpets, post Kawasaki's Disease, look it up) run six figures... I mean maybe he's been out to sea that long, forgets how much things cost, I don't know. My guess is he misconstrued "the entire showcase" as "everything that has been to this very second won or at least offered as a prize on today's episode of The Price Is Right," in which case you can't fault him for being so fucking amped. But then there's that recantation, a quarter of his original bid--so he still thinks the motorcycles/furniture/carpet/television are in the $60K range. The woman irks me. I know she's smart to bid a buck and seal the deal shit-in-facewise for Jose--who could resist, but it strikes me cruel. Jose clearly wanted those motorcycles.
THEN I HUNG OUT IN FRONT OF THE DRUG STORE
Money-wise this vacation will be awful in the "can't buy an iPhone next week, back to eating Quaker Oats one-minute" sense, but hey I'm a survivor, and hey I have a secret rap side project I can return to, and hey perhaps you want to know if I am Spiderfang?
THEN I GOT A JOB, KEEPING PEOPLE FROM HANGING AROUND IN FRONT OF THE DRUG STORE
Strongly recommending Excepter's new 'Burgers 12"--the apostrophe is most operative.