RIFF MARKET

RIFF MARKET ARTS ROUNDUP

01. MUSIC VIDEOS. In putting together something on the Kathy Diamond LP, I somehow got back to Crystal Waters, who did "100% Pure Love" and "Gypsy Woman (The Homeless Song)". One thing I'm sorta positive happened though I don't remember for sure is when that homeless chick went to school with us, whether I caught anybody singing la-da-di, la-di-da whenever they saw her. Awful. This must have happened at least once, on a weekend or something, which doesn't make it any more acceptable if you ask me. Truly awful. At the very very least, somebody definitely thought about doing it, which is also pretty bad.


02. BOOKS. Biased obviously but I love Simon's. One thing nobody's said about this book so far is how hilarious it is. A lot of these pieces are extremely funny.

03. TELEVISION. This is a clip from In Living Color, which was basically like a black SNL. I can't believe I found this. This is the song that introduced me to house music.


04. HYPOTHETICAL NYU A CAPELLA GROUP. "Junior Boys Junior."

05. FULL-LENGTH ALBUMS. Pantha Du Prince's This Bliss; Get Him Eat Him's Arms Down; Kathy Diamond's Miss Diamond To You; Prodigy's Return of the Mac.

06. AMAZON.COM USER COMMENTS. From the page for rapper Prodigy's Return of the Mac album:


1 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
This is NOT The Prodigy!!!! Crap rap!!!, April 7, 2007
Reviewer: Paul S. Cirulnick (San Diego, Ca USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
this is defintely not The Prodigy; the heavy electronic beats and power that you may wish it is. This is some tired wannabee rap crap, don't waste your $$. This is going on E-Bay right now. This is the worst piece of deception ever, how dare they try to pass this off as The Prodigy!!!!!!!!!!!!


07. INTERNET. Byron; Quick Comic (sorta shitty now but has the potential for greatness); Club Blog; Patry Copyright Blog; Don Rodriguez Soccer Blog.

71 RIFFS

Labels: riffs

SO I HEARD SHE DON'T LIKE MY INTRO
I AGREE
SO I CHANGED IT



RIFF MARKET PRESENTS:



"SPORTS BARS ARE BETTER THAN NON-SPORTS BARS"

For me this all comes down to a lot of things. The first time you're in a city all by yourself with a pocket full of sweet freelanced twenties and the fucking Unicorns album playing on the iRiver, you spend a lot of time walking back and forth on Houston, looking for that bar that Jost took you to, the one with the velvet couches and the bum who stands outside the door and pretends to collect a cover charge. It's called Madame X, it's on Houston St, the font on the top of the bar is in bubble letters and there are all these red lights on, so it's like you're walking into a sextoy store. Then something strikes you. Maybe Madame X isn't the hippest place to be. Yeah they've got a DJ playing the Pete Rock 'Blood Stain' remix of "Jump Around" but is this what I paid that extremely (extremely) convincing bum outside twenty dollars for? I haven't heard this song in ten years so it's debatable.

So from cover charges and fake velvet couches and steps to an upstairs room you're positive has all kinds of pinball machines (maybe Skee-Ball? hello Lansdale), maybe that game where there's the frogs that jump out of those holes, and you hit them with the beater while your buddy hits them with his hands--from Madame X you're suddenly in the realm of Black&White-type bars, which a) are super-loud, b) are not too cheap, c) don't have velvet seats, d) have no pinball promise, e) granted are playing music that's probably a little better or stuff you haven't heard before, maybe something really punkrock like Besnard Lakes or whatever. But it's really uncomfortable, and a pain in the ass getting to the bar, and so many of them don't even accept credit cards, so you end up paying like $20 in fees just to pay $80 for a drop of Souza.

ETC ETC ETC

I've been in the bar game for a few years now, and especially here it's like, what's the coolest place tonight? is this other place I know still cool or whatever? how will I know etc? The thing was: I consistently found myself at the coolest bars, the coolest that night at least. So no big deal right? Except suddenly I realized another thing: anywhere I go ever will be the coolest place that night.

This isn't about "getting back to basics" though, which I'm guessing you thought I might be saying. This is about sports bars, and how they are better than hipster bars, or at the very least the next hipster bar. I don't even like saying hipster bar but I think the term's apt insofar as it's an otherwise unremarkable bar built off the promise that maybe, maybe c-list celebrity X will be there (maybe).

So if you want cliff's notes, here they are:

1. Sports bars have by far the biggest, most technologically advanced televisions in the game. They also have some sort of device that lets them screen sometimes up to six different shows at once, or the same thing on every screen. You go to the right sports bar, you will not miss a beat

2. Lots of these sports bars have these things called table taps, which are these huge plastic tubes, which set you back like $25 bucks or so but they're filled with beer. So basically you just sit at the table with some bros, drinks some brews, and you don't have to get up at all, you don't miss any of the conversations, you put your cocks cap on the table and from there it's pretty much on.

4. So much more space. I'm thinking this is probably because sports bars are anticipating bigger dudes (and bigger ladies? definitely more high heels), so you're going to need more room. For me though it's like I'm Mario in Super Mario Bros 3 in the level where everything is HUGE

5. Cheaper brews? This is debatable. But I'm increasingly up for this debate. I'm thinking sports bars typically have cheaper and better brews than non-sports bars. This is definitely the only kind of bar situation where you can call a Blue Moon a Brew Moon and everybody knows what you're talking about.

6. Music. I know what you're thinking. The music at sports bars must be awful. Lots of Pearl Jam, lots of Clash, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" on the hour, etc. This does not happen at sports bars! I've totally been to sports bars and this has never happened (not counting the Bent Elbow). I was at a sports bar once actually and this is what I heard (not even kidding here): Yes, Clash, "Brown-Eyed Girl", Talking Heads, the bust-a-move song, Led Zep, mid-period Bowie.

7. Food. Most sports bars cater to the fact that huge sports-bar-looking dudes like to eat while they're watching the big game. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this and in fact I'm thinking this is probably how it's supposed to be done. Plus I have to say that pretty much everything I've ever eaten in a sports bar has been delicious. Wings, mozza stix, everything. A lot of these places have pretty monster salads too. I get razzed a lot because I'm the guy who orders a cobb salad pretty much all the time, whenever it's on the menu, but what can I say? You get some wings, split a cobb salad with some bros, maybe order a turkey burger and doggybag the leftovers. I call that a good night out.

8. TV. Can we talk about this again? I don't even have a television, so for me to be able to just walk into a place and watch the big game... I just can't take this for granted. You try watching DVDs on your laptop for eight years and counting and you'll know what I'm talking about.

9: Best Sports Bar: ESPN Zone

10. Worst Sports Bar: Chickpea

75 RIFFS

Labels: food

AFTER MUCH DELIBERATION
TOO MUCH IN FACT
AFTER A GOOD DEAL OF DELIBERATION
RIFF MARKET PRESENTS:

"REVELATION 909"

Download: Faze Action: "In The Trees (Carl Craig C2 Remix)"

There is no possible situation in which you can play this remix, in which it won't sound awesome. This revelation comes after two months of trying to find pretty much exactly that situation. You cannot find it. I definitely couldn't find it but maybe you will?

Exempli gratia. This is a pretty meatheady song. Definitely the kind of song that some of you might expect to kick off the next Ripster Jock Jams comp (Vol 4 is coming along nicely btw, some oldies, some newies, etc.). By the same token, it's a love song. You're getting the picture now aren't you. I'm on the riffwagon walking to Libation. I'm thinking I'm going to go to Libation, queue up this song on my iPod, hop in the club, find the biggest man with the biggest muscles and the most buttons on his collar, then ask him to punch me repeatedly in the face--the face of a man who wears glasses. "I'm going to leave these glasses on my face too!" I practice taunting on the way down, after hours of similar practice in the bathroom while getting my contacts out of my eyes. The bottom line is it's definitely going to add some fuel to the fire. You see where this is going now. There's no possible way this song is going to sound awesome. The earplugs are going to pop out of my ears by the sheer force of this man's fists. I'm not going to be able to hear anything. Maybe for weeks? You don't even want to know where this story goes.

I show up at Libation. I find my man in line. Libation's closed--been closed for months now. My man is actually a friend of mine from the college days. We weren't great friends--different crowds--but we definitely sat next to each other in section. He's working at a bank now and spends what little time he has to himself at the gym lifting weights. He doesn't even do cardio anymore, he thinks it's a waste of time.

91 RIFFS

Labels: 2007, dance, music

*BORAT IS NOT A GREAT MOVIE*
RIFF MARKET "I'VE SEEN IT WITH MY OWN EYES" EDITION
I'VE GOT MORE GREAT MOVIES THAN YOU'VE GOT BLACKHEADS

This past weekend I saw the movie Borat, which stars this guy who told blowjob jokes at my college graduation. I believe there were also some weed jokes, something about stealing laptops, and then some jokes about how white people don't understand black people. Anyway, I want you to imagine having to look your grandmother straight in the eye after some white guy pretending to be a black guy wearing a glossy red jumpsuit points in her direction and says "now there is a woman who gives a good blowjob." Imagine having to eat at Chili's on your graduation day because you forgot to make reservations at Pizzeria Uno's. Imagine your father ordering you a mudslide, then telling you to "slide in" (I'm pretty sure this has something to do with drinking mudslides). Then imagine watching a 90-minute movie that stars the blowjob guy from college graduation. You can probably "imagine" I'd have a few problems with that movie.

Basically my only problems with Borat were: 1) I thought the scene when Borat wrestles the fat guy in the hotel room could have been shorter; 2) the fat guy could have been fatter; 3) the soundtrack was a little weak.

67 RIFFS

Labels: movies

RIFF MARKET: DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK EDITION
UPDATE YOUR LINKS: WWW.RIFFMARKET.COM
THE FUTURE IS USB 2GB DATATRAVELER PORTABLE STORAGE

UPDATE YOUR WARRANTIES

Download: Kathy Diamond: "Over"

It's been exactly fifteen minutes since the last time I thought about Lenny Kravitz, the man behind rock&roll's 67th and 109th best rock&roll songs of all time ("Are You Gonna Go My Way," and this bloghouse remix of "Are You Gonna Go My Way" that replaces LK's guitar solo with the sound of Justice ass-to-assing a double-sided microphone), which means I'm almost exactly fifteen minutes late in recounting the last time I thought I saw Lenny Kravitz enter a lesser-known bodega on Fourth Avenue and 10th Street, right by Black & White and that restaurant everybody says David Bowie goes to. It's called Danal, I've never seen David Bowie in there, but I've had brunch here once, and I know about "the Goblin King," so I'm inclined to believe it.

This is what I remember: I'm on Fourth Avenue and 10th Street, the west side of the street, on my way back from the Strand, carrying a plastic Strand bag filled with lots of those canvas Strand bags that always fall off your shoulder. Across 10th Street, waiting to cross Fourth Avenue, is a man I believe is Lenny Kravitz. He has long dreadlocks and the kind of face that could clog a toilet just by blinking at it. On his feet are black leather platform boots that go up to his thighs, something like a 4inch lift, so we're talking about a man who seems about 10feet tall, who I failed to mention also has a messenger bag on his back, which I failed to mention is probably filled with copies of his greatest hits album, which I'm guessing he probably snacks on like butter-flavored rice cakes whenever the fuck he feels like it. All the sudden the light changes, I go my way, etc., Lenny goes his, "etc.", and all I can think about is what a fucked up world we live in where a man who looks pretty much exactly like Lenny Kravitz has to walk around New York City all by himself, carrying his own messenger bag filled with his own greatest hits, looking both ways on Fourth Avenue even though traffic just goes one.

91 RIFFS

Labels: lenny kravitz