RIFF MARKET

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Each contributor to the 12 DAYS OF SPIDERRIFFMAS was told: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito? Also if anybody knows what happened to my man Don Pollyanna get at me! Also if anybody knows a good dentist-- FANG.

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YEAR IN RIFFS: CHRIS SCHLEICHER
My Riff: The Year in Music

When I was first asked to cover the year in music, I was a little intimidated. Me writing about music? For some background, I kind of look like a 1950s prom king and my music sensibilities tend to be very Dick-Clark-American-Bandstand-it-has-a-good-beat-and-you-can-dance-to-it. Who am I to judge music? I don’t even know what Pitchfork is. Is it a magazine? Is it a website? No, wait, maybe it’s a blogosphere. I’m pretty sure it’s a blogosphere.

But wait a second, I have just as much of a right to say what I think about the year in music as any of those hipster indie types. (Did I use those words right? Can hipster and indie be the same thing or are they deadly enemies like Bloods and Kryps?) I may be a slave to the top 40, but that doesn’t mean I can’t come up with a valid top 10 songs that made a difference in music this year. Strap yourselves in and get ready for a ride into my dome. This is my year in music:

#10 – Rihanna ft. Jay-Z – Umbrella
Nothing happened in music between Jan. 1 and March 28th. Then Rihanna dropped this bomb on us all the way from Barbados – a place I’m pretty sure is a country, but might be a resort in Florida somewhere. And this bomb wasn’t one of those scary bombs that hurt the nervous systems of subway-goers. It was a bomb filled with joy, life, Apple Garageband’s Vintage Funk Kit 03, and a good beat that you could dance to. Yes, Rihanna, I will stand under your umbrella anytime. And I will gladly listen to Jay-Z rap while we comfortable share one of those large golf umbrellas that are awkward to walk down a sidewalk with.

#9 – Rihanna – Umbrella (Lindbergh Palace Remix)
You can only play the original “Umbrella” a couple thousand times before it gets boring. Let’s remix this bad boy. I’m sitting around listening to “Umbrella,” caressing my signed autograph of Rihanna when I think to myself, “I wish there was a version of Umbrella that was a lot like the original, but somehow gayer.” Then I hear this remix. It makes you want to go out, put on some body glitter, sit down to watch “Project Runway,” but then change the channel to a hockey game because you refuse to perpetuate a stereotype. This one comes in at #9 because of the unfortunate reference to Lindbergh in the title. Did you know he was a Nazi?

#8 – Rihanna ft. Elephant Man – Umbrella (Dancehall Remix)
I shake my Magic 8 ball and say, “Magic 8 ball, send me a reggaeton version of Umbrella.” It sends me this delightful re-imagining of... the greatest song ever written? P.S. Rihanna, have I ever told you that you are beautiful? Because I think you are beautiful. You don’t have to respond. Just mull it over.

#7 – Rihanna ft. Lil Mama – Umbrella Remix
I like when people are clear with their intentions. Lil Mama, you didn’t disappoint me, starting your remix with the words “Remix. This is the remix. Remix. This is the remix.” You make me wonder how in fact “Umbrella” is like “The Magic School Bus” as you claim. But then I realize. “Umbrella” is a lot like “The Magic School Bus.” They’re both about learning, loving, living, and the water cycle.

#6 – Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo - Hate That I Love You
Nice job, Rihanna. You’ve remixed this to an almost unrecognizable level. New lyrics too. I’m starting to worry about you though. Maybe you should get back to basics. And who’s this Ne-Yo guy? Maybe you should get around to answering your fan mail before you go out making new friends and writing new lyrics. Just saying. Maybe you should give something back every now and then. I made you a hand-turkey. Still waiting for the “thank you.”

#5 – Rihanna ft. Travis Barker – Umbrella Remix
There we go, Rihanna. A lot like the original but much, much louder. Check plus.

#4 – Mandy Moore – Umbrella
I loved Chasing Liberty.

#3 – Rihanna - Umbrella (acoustic)
I’m so sorry that I doubted you, Rihanna. God damn you, I love you so much. Why do you make me do this to myself, Rihanna?

#2 – Rihanna ft. Chris Brown - Cinderella Under the Umbrella
Ok, Rihanna. I get it. You’ve found another Chris. And he’s gonna make you his Cinderella. I understand. He’s a big movie star. Stomp the Yard was great and truthspirational, and I’m sure Last Christmas is fun for the whole family, but come on. I gave you my heart. I’m sorry about all those messages I left you. I just... relationships are tough, huh. But you know, “took an oath I’m-a stick it out to the end” and all that. I’m gonna be a big man about this. I’m not jealous of this Chris Brown. I’m gonna put this song at #2 just to prove it to you.

#1 – Rihanna ft. Jay-Z – Umbrella (via youtube)
It’s been a rough year for the two of us. Ups and downs. Rainstorms and more rainstorms. I’d almost forgotten what made me love you. I usually stop watching your video on youtube when it seems like the song is over. But this time, I watched it to the end, and saw your personal message: “Thanks for watching my new video. I’m really excited about being a CoverGirl, so make sure you check out my favorite gloss, Fruit Spritzers at covergirl.com.” All this time, you’d been thanking me every time I watched your video and I was just too impatient to realize it. I can be such an idiot sometimes. I love you because you are a CoverGirl and you are easy and breezy and beautiful and yes I will try out Fruit Spritzers. They look delicious.

97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007