RIFF MARKET

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Each contributor to the 12 DAYS OF SPIDERRIFFMAS was told: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito? Also if anybody knows what happened to my man Don Pollyanna get at me! Also if anybody knows a good dentist-- FANG.

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YEAR IN RIFFS: ALAN YANG
THIS YEAR IN GUNS

This year, instead of listening to music, I decided to get into guns. It wasn’t hard. Every time I thought about listening to a song on iTunes, I shot Steve Jobs instead. Every time I wanted to hear Arcade Fire, I let Win Butler shoot Steve Jobs. Guns are very versatile.

Wikipedia defines a gun as a metal thing that shoots holes in cowboys’ hats [citation needed]. Armed with this information, I went to a gun range, where I armed myself in a different way – with information from a gun brochure.

I then went back to this gun range every day for the remainder of 2007. Needless to say, I learned a lot about guns. You shouldn’t wave them around, even if you make it very clear you’re doing a bit. You can paint a gun gold, but you can’t force people to call you The Man With The Golden Gun. You can grind guns up, and that’s how you make gunpowder. I tried many guns:

9 MILLIMETER
This is a starter gun, or as it’s advertised, “Finally, a gun for babies designed by babies.”

STARBURY HANDGUN
Because he sympathizes so much with underprivileged youth, professional basketballer Stephon Marbury came up with the idea of manufacturing these guns, which retail for a very reasonable five cents per gun. The only catch is, everyone knows how cheap they are, so they’re not cool – even though they’re guns. Also, they’re not guns. They are plastic knives.

DICK CHENEY RIFLE
A fluted bolt shroud and stainless steel barrel make this rifle lighter than most, and a .705 inch muzzle diameter enhances accuracy and heat resistance.

RUGER P345, “THE HUMAN-KILLER”
“Human-Killer” is a misnomer – this gun specializes in killing women.

WALTHER P22 SEMI-AUTOMATIC, CHO SEUNG-HUI AUTOGRAPHED MODEL
They don’t sell this. That would be pretty fucked up if they did, though.

CHO SEUNG-HUI
I brought in a supersized poster of this guy and they allowed me to use it as my target.

MATTHEW MURRAY
Likewise.

JFK
They did not allow this one.

A SHEET OF PAPER WITH THE WORDS “THE PRESIDENT” WRITTEN ON IT
No.

FASHION’S TOP “GUNN” OF 2007
Michael Kors.

97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007