RIFF MARKET

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DID SOMEBODY CALL THE EXTERMINATOR?! Yolanda?! Ha ha! Nope with a capital P! But seriously this is your man The Real Spiderfang, aka the Nope Pope, aka Three-Piece Crank Addict, aka Spiderfang, aka Frosty the All-Organic Hummus-Eating Snowman, aka Lemme Just Say that it is with great pleasure to say that it is the second day of Spiderriffmas here at Riff Market. This week and next I got lined up some of the hottest talent in the game to tell you all what's what. What?! For the next week or so you're gonna be getting your internet Neutrogena on at the riff sink and every damn day there's gonna be like a hundred spiders crawling out the drain being like "damn lover you're gonna need a lot more than 2.5% salicylic to stop this breakout"--let the boys be boys am I right?!?! Each contributor to the 12 Days of Spiderriffmas was told listen: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito? 2006 may have been the Year of the Dog but you don't gotta ask Charlotte to know 2007 is the Year of Some Pig. Rell! XOXO. -FANG

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"Don't Riff Me, Bro!"
By Diablo Cody

Not to get all Zeitgeisty McZeitgeist on y'all, but is it me or was like 2007 like an entire year directed by David Lynch on crack?! First of all, I've found myself spending more time in Hell.A., Cali-PORN-ia than any self-respecting member of the blogerati ever should. (Believe me, I would rather perform a Dirty Sanchez on Darth Cheney while watching Ishtar than admit that I live in a town full of silicone-tastic, man-scaping celebutards. Honestly, sometimes I feel so out of place it's like I'm Balki Bartokomous!) Then, every movie critic this side of Fallujah is saying that the little flick I doodled out is all of a sudden becoming my generation's Napoleon Dynamite. So surreal, you guys.

Anyway, here's the dealio on some of the things this year that have made me totally rock out with my cock out:

TV Show:
Californication - Do you ever have that feeling where you watch something and you're just like, " Jeebus H. Christmas, I wish I had wrote that!" That's how I feel whenever I watch Californication (not that I've owned a tv since like, Charles in Charge. By the way is C in C era Scott Baio like a total Babe-raham Lincoln or what? I totally get a lady-boner just thinking about it!). At any rate, there's such a dope truthiness about the dialog, characters, and situations in this show, it's more like reading a great novel than watching television, which again, I don't.

Album:
Matt & Kim (s/t) - These guys are like a really obscure version of the White Stripes, but like waaaay darker. There's a part of Brooklyn called Williamsburg that I have been to and this album is like the soundtrack to that place. It's that cool.

Movie:
I know, you're probably thinking I'm gonna be all Pluggy McObviousberg here and pick the J-Dog, but I'm gonna say that the best movie you've never seen this year was this. Or this. Or this. Where do I find this stuff? I know what you're thinking. Am I the sick one for posting it or are you sick for liking it?

Serious Issue:
Darfur.

97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007