RIFF MARKET

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Each contributor to the 12 DAYS OF SPIDERRIFFMAS was told: OK I'll let you jump on a record, but listen Kite Runner! You got 35 minutes max. Because I do not want no Bonfire of the Vanitas like last year. So the only rule was: Thou shalt not write more than 35 minutes--capito?

Also if anybody knows what happened to my man Don Pollyanna get at me! Also if anybody knows a good dentist

FANG

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YEAR IN RIFFS: LEILA STRACHAN
AN INTERVIEW WITH LES VINYL

This week I had the privilege of interviewing American singer-songwriter Les Vinyl to get his take on 2007.

LAS: First of all, I’m a huge fan. Thank you for doing this interview.

Les Vinyl: Wow, so this must be so weird for you then. Wow. I'm imagining being you: I feel excited, honored, hungry… Wow. You're so welcome.

LAS: I hope you don’t mind the Old Spaghetti Factory. I love this place.

LV: I prefer the Cheesecake Factory but Spaghetti Factory is also pretty perfect. Did you ever go to that dance club Sound Factory? The food is terrible.

LAS: Once I went to the Harley Davidson Factory. I didn’t eat any food, but our tour guide did tell us that they “try to use as many robots as possible”. Oh, and definitely order whatever you want. This is totally on me, by the way. Alright, let’s do this: Concerts. I went to see The Handsome Family this year, and they have a song about Tesla and in it he eats saltines. I guess for that reason, it was my favorite concert of 2007. Also I think maybe it was the only concert I went to. What is your best 2007 concert story? I’ve thrown out Tesla/saltines. Top it.

LV: The Animal Collective dudes were definitely the group of the year. Strawberry Jam, Person Pitch, Pullhair Rubeye (re-reversed): Those were my most played albums this year. I saw Animal Collective twice. Once at the South Street Seaport and the other time at Webster Hall. The Webster Hall show was baller. Everything they play is so deliberate. I was dancing with strangers all night. Months prior to the concert I had downloaded loads of live performance torrents so when the show rolled around I was familiar with every song. I also saw Panda Bear play solo at Bowery Ballroom. That was a Blastoise (awesome pokemon reference).

LAS: Okay let’s get real: the Kanye West/50 Cent feud. What was your role in all this?

LV: Look, I only sell bullets. Does that mean I know where, who, and why they are used? Friend, the answer is no. Only when.

LAS: Do you think Kanye got dissed at the MTVVMAs? That guy complains a lot. But also he’s so awesome! How do you reconcile these facts?

LV: I admit it. I mean, I wouldn’t say I have my Player Hater Degree but ugghhh, I’m so mad at all the attention this little gopher-cheeked-baby-bitch gets. Then I hear “Flashing Lights”- double ugghhh. I really love mid/late 90s pop rap and Kanye knows how to take me there.

LAS: Also remember at the MTVVMAs when Chris Brown was doing awesome dancing and he was totally jumping from one thing onto another thing, like “Fuck it, whatever, I’ll jump that shit, don’t even worry about it.”? That was awesome.

LV: Truth is I was controlling him from my computer. It said I can win a free ipod if I jump Chris Brown from one stage thing to another. Unfortunately, all I won was a sub par Rihanna performance of “umbrella” with more distorted guitars and live drums. I guess I’m stuck with this MiniDisc player.

LAS: How is your Mizithra sauce by the way? That’s the thing I always think I’m going to order, but then never do, you know?

LV: Zeus couldn’t have made it better himself. I could be eating Ambrosia, I can’t tell.

LAS: Okay, I really love your song “Ghosts”. Can I tell you a scary story? True story: I was all alone in this big house in the middle of the night. And there was a lot of creaking and rattling. And then I started hearing weird gothic piano music, and then maybe some Bjork. And then Joni Mitchell. And then some They Might Be Giants. And it was impossible to tell where it was coming from. I’ve watched enough Medium and Criminal Minds to know that this was obviously either a ghost or a serial killer trying to gaslight me. It was probably my most important musical experience of 2007. Do you have any 2007 ghost stories?

LV: One. It was around June. I was continuously spilling hot coffee on my crotch until the cups I had laid out turned cold. You see, I had a lot of time to kill because I was late for meeting with my late wife (may she rest in peace) Rebecca “The Vertigo” Hitchcock. She had news for me… She’s late! I anticipated this so I dropped a clammy handful of money on the table of St. Peter’s Gourmet and bounced. I took the shuttle bus from heaven to my red bean bag chair hideout. Yeah, June was cray-cray.

LAS: No one said having the gift would be easy. I think that’s the point of that show Ghost Whisperer, but I don’t know I’ve never actually seen it. Now, the one thing on everybody’s mind: 2007 and still no flying cars? Wtf, right?

LV: Riiiiiiiiiight. Wink! Write that. Write “wink”.

LAS: We lost a lot of big names this year. I’ve included an abbreviated deathwall below. What song would you dedicate to each person? (You can include songs from any year, including the future.)

Norman Mailer (Writer)
LV: As tribute to “The White Negro” and to Norman, I choose Eminem – Without Me

Ingmar Bergman (Filmmaker)
LV: Keepin’ it Swedish: The Cardigans – Beautiful One

Jerry Fallwell (Evangelist)
LV: The Hidden Cameras – Ban Marriage

Evel “The Daredevil” Knievel (Daredevil)
LV: Gorillaz – DARE. I know. “too easy”. First off, go stab yourself in the face! Second: I will always love this song and this man.

Marcel Marceau (Mime)
LV: Oh man, The Shangri-Las – Out in Street

Ernst Gallo (Winemaker)
LV: Mobb Deep – Quiet Storm. I want either this or neutral milk hotel – three peaches played at my funeral.

LAS: Okay, I get it. I didn’t ask for your life story.

Vladimir Kryuchkov (KGB Chief, Gorbachev plotter-againster)
LV: TLC – Red Light Special

Barbaro (Racehorse)
LV: Department of Eagles – The Horse You Ride

Jean Baudrillard (Philosopher)
LV: Cracker – Get out of my head

Momfuku Ando (Cup of Noodles inventor)
LV: No Doubt – Don’t Speak

LAS: Let’s end this thing. Any plans for 2008?

LV: Yes. I’m going to be like famous; like boy band fame. Like I’ll be like Michael Jordan without all that whining bullshit! My resolution is to fight that dude. Put it your planner, Toon Squad.

LAS: …

LV: That was the name of the team in Space Jam. Do you think people will get that? That soundtrack was good. Oh man, remember Jock Jams?

LAS: You have a lot of food left. Are you going to box that? You should box that.

For more Les Vinyl visit myspace.com/lesvinyl. LAS faves: “Ghosts”, “Deadly Fucking Silent”, “To The Moon For The North Atlantic, Part 1”, “Adam and Cave Man Woman”.

For more on the Old Spaghetti Factory visit www.osf.com.




97 S'FANGS

Labels: year-in-riffs-2007