RIFF MARKET

SPIDERBITERS FORCE THE REAL SPIDERFANG TO THROW DOWN THE INFINITY GAUNTLET



TURN UP ALL MY MOTHERFUCKING LEVELS



ARACHNOFANGBIA IS IN FULL EFFECT



VENOM THROW SOME D'S ON ME


WHODI WHO

They say imitation is flattery but look when you're already forced to spoonfeed a rap side project post by post just so the muppets you used to call your colleagues don't forkcast your ass into the WTF section while the fucking The Tough Alliance get BNM for inventing the music equivalent of that Ikea wardrobe made of corrugated plastic and a fucking burlap sack--when you're already forced to dumb yourself down (and allah forbid you make a song about it, the next thing you know you're the subject of a Status Ain't Hood post on a slow news day and butt of a joke of a man who named himself after a piece of cotton on a stick, Lupe my man, keep your Ds to yourself already!), the last thing you need is some garbanzo coming at you on an email blast about "yo this is Spiderfang LOL, I got a new song on Myspace ROFL, it's called Google Earth Bitches WHODI WHOO, it's exactly just like the song you just mentioned you were thinking about recording on the riffs blog, I'm doing you son!" and then signing off like he's the real Spiderfang. Like he knows what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night with the sweat frozen to your eyebrows because your landlord's a shyster and your eyebrows haven't been plucked since ninth grade, in a sweat because you figured out how to cap that line you wrote about "a menstruating woman walks into a blood drive": "tries to squeegie her tampons tells doc i'm trying to survive." Big Daddy Kane, hold onto your receipts!



At the moment I am a serious recording artist. I do not have time to be playing around on the internet like it's 1998 and we're all moving gifs, like it's 2002 and we're all the Napster of Porn. If you want to touch nuts, lover, touch nuts, none of this graze nuts shit you ripped off the Eddie Murphy RAW video. Don't watch me, watch that Georgetown chick on Vimeo. Point being:

1. I am the Real Spiderfang.

2. For clarity, I am switching my name from Spiderfang to The Real Spiderfang. This is a temporary measure until all the other Spiderfangs play themselves out like fat aunts shouting "W00t W00t!" during disco songs at your best friend's bar mitzvah, like the skinny aunts complaining how disappointed they are that "Crank That" will never be the new Macarena.

3. I'm working on a new song, it's called "Danny Power Glover." The basic premise is, you seen that movie Royal Tansenbaum, my thing is: How would the movie be different if after Royal called Henry "Coltrane" in the kitchen, what if Henry busted out a tenor and started playing "Syeeda's Song Flute"? I am of the opinion that this would have significantly changed the outcome of the movie.

74 S-FANGS

-FANG

Labels: spiderfang