RIFF MARKET

SO I HEARD SHE DON'T LIKE MY INTRO
I AGREE
SO I CHANGED IT



RIFF MARKET PRESENTS:



"SPORTS BARS ARE BETTER THAN NON-SPORTS BARS"

For me this all comes down to a lot of things. The first time you're in a city all by yourself with a pocket full of sweet freelanced twenties and the fucking Unicorns album playing on the iRiver, you spend a lot of time walking back and forth on Houston, looking for that bar that Jost took you to, the one with the velvet couches and the bum who stands outside the door and pretends to collect a cover charge. It's called Madame X, it's on Houston St, the font on the top of the bar is in bubble letters and there are all these red lights on, so it's like you're walking into a sextoy store. Then something strikes you. Maybe Madame X isn't the hippest place to be. Yeah they've got a DJ playing the Pete Rock 'Blood Stain' remix of "Jump Around" but is this what I paid that extremely (extremely) convincing bum outside twenty dollars for? I haven't heard this song in ten years so it's debatable.

So from cover charges and fake velvet couches and steps to an upstairs room you're positive has all kinds of pinball machines (maybe Skee-Ball? hello Lansdale), maybe that game where there's the frogs that jump out of those holes, and you hit them with the beater while your buddy hits them with his hands--from Madame X you're suddenly in the realm of Black&White-type bars, which a) are super-loud, b) are not too cheap, c) don't have velvet seats, d) have no pinball promise, e) granted are playing music that's probably a little better or stuff you haven't heard before, maybe something really punkrock like Besnard Lakes or whatever. But it's really uncomfortable, and a pain in the ass getting to the bar, and so many of them don't even accept credit cards, so you end up paying like $20 in fees just to pay $80 for a drop of Souza.

ETC ETC ETC

I've been in the bar game for a few years now, and especially here it's like, what's the coolest place tonight? is this other place I know still cool or whatever? how will I know etc? The thing was: I consistently found myself at the coolest bars, the coolest that night at least. So no big deal right? Except suddenly I realized another thing: anywhere I go ever will be the coolest place that night.

This isn't about "getting back to basics" though, which I'm guessing you thought I might be saying. This is about sports bars, and how they are better than hipster bars, or at the very least the next hipster bar. I don't even like saying hipster bar but I think the term's apt insofar as it's an otherwise unremarkable bar built off the promise that maybe, maybe c-list celebrity X will be there (maybe).

So if you want cliff's notes, here they are:

1. Sports bars have by far the biggest, most technologically advanced televisions in the game. They also have some sort of device that lets them screen sometimes up to six different shows at once, or the same thing on every screen. You go to the right sports bar, you will not miss a beat

2. Lots of these sports bars have these things called table taps, which are these huge plastic tubes, which set you back like $25 bucks or so but they're filled with beer. So basically you just sit at the table with some bros, drinks some brews, and you don't have to get up at all, you don't miss any of the conversations, you put your cocks cap on the table and from there it's pretty much on.

4. So much more space. I'm thinking this is probably because sports bars are anticipating bigger dudes (and bigger ladies? definitely more high heels), so you're going to need more room. For me though it's like I'm Mario in Super Mario Bros 3 in the level where everything is HUGE

5. Cheaper brews? This is debatable. But I'm increasingly up for this debate. I'm thinking sports bars typically have cheaper and better brews than non-sports bars. This is definitely the only kind of bar situation where you can call a Blue Moon a Brew Moon and everybody knows what you're talking about.

6. Music. I know what you're thinking. The music at sports bars must be awful. Lots of Pearl Jam, lots of Clash, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" on the hour, etc. This does not happen at sports bars! I've totally been to sports bars and this has never happened (not counting the Bent Elbow). I was at a sports bar once actually and this is what I heard (not even kidding here): Yes, Clash, "Brown-Eyed Girl", Talking Heads, the bust-a-move song, Led Zep, mid-period Bowie.

7. Food. Most sports bars cater to the fact that huge sports-bar-looking dudes like to eat while they're watching the big game. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this and in fact I'm thinking this is probably how it's supposed to be done. Plus I have to say that pretty much everything I've ever eaten in a sports bar has been delicious. Wings, mozza stix, everything. A lot of these places have pretty monster salads too. I get razzed a lot because I'm the guy who orders a cobb salad pretty much all the time, whenever it's on the menu, but what can I say? You get some wings, split a cobb salad with some bros, maybe order a turkey burger and doggybag the leftovers. I call that a good night out.

8. TV. Can we talk about this again? I don't even have a television, so for me to be able to just walk into a place and watch the big game... I just can't take this for granted. You try watching DVDs on your laptop for eight years and counting and you'll know what I'm talking about.

9: Best Sports Bar: ESPN Zone

10. Worst Sports Bar: Chickpea

75 RIFFS

Labels: food