RIFF MARKET

More Things Overheard At Tower Records on East 4th Street

-This is what we know so far. You start in New York. You end up in Boston. At some point you're going to be on a secret bus.

-It gets me to Beantown, I know that much. I'm not a fucking idiot for chrissakes. But my big question is, does it come back to the Big Apple? Well goddamn. Unbelievable. A secret bus. And you read about this in a newspaper you got from a plastic box on the street? Incredible.

-Hi, do you have Beantown on DVD?

-Actually, I think Fung Wah means "secret bus."

-Oh, no thank you. I'm just looking for a CD that I can listen to on the secret bus to Beantown.

-Well I guess somebody already came through here and picked up all the copies of Beantown!

-When I get up to the window, do I say "two tickets for the secret bus," or do I say "two tickets for the secret bus" in a stereotypical Asian accent? I just really don't want to fuck this one up.

-There are bathrooms on the bus.

Things overheard at the Tower Records on East 4th Street tonight

-Excuse me, sir, do you have The Essential Iron Maiden? Oh, ha! Wow. Here are five thousand copies.

-Hi I can take the next person down here
-Hello!
-Hi how are you
-I'm doing better now that I bought all these CDs at rock-bottom prices! How are you?
-...
-This is the best day of my life

-Hey. Hey mom. You won't fucking believe this. I just read this in New York's The Village Voice. Are you sitting down? Sit your seventy-year-old ass the fuck down, mom. You won't fucking believe this. I just read this. Tell me when you're sitting down. OK. Great. Ready? You can't tell anybody. Did you know that there's this thing--it's like this secret Chinese bus or something--that, I shit you not, you can take to Boston for only twenty dollars?!

-Do you see that girl over there? By the magazine rack? I want to set her on fire.

-Totally. I mean this is totally going to revolutionize transportation to and from Boston. Unbelievable development.

-When you guys finally close up at night, are you going to build, like a tower of records, and then like knock it down? No no no, I don't think you know what I'm trying to say here. I think you're misunderstanding me.

-Have you heard of this band Diddy?

-Oh, and another thing, mom. Don't call it Boston. Call it "Beantown."