RIFF MARKET

Pronounced 'Murder'

You've heard about Adam here before--he and I used to coordinate our exercise music such that we would be running to Tyrannosaurus Hives at the same exact time--and you may know him as Pitchfork's next big breakout star. Saturday Night Live thought enough of him to work his name into the Neil Young sketch too, possibly because he's a founding member of the Kirby Puckett Games, which apparently is this thing he does with his friends from high school, I don't know much else, he's very secretive about it. Today's special guest riffer, Adam takes on Pissed Jeans, Ratatat, and Morrissey.

Pissed Jeans: "Don't Need Smoke to Make Myself Disappear" (MP3) These guys already sound as good as the Jesus Lizard on Head, and they're from Allentown, PA, so you know they'll never run low on Anytown, USA angst. As a Reading native, I can really relate to these guys. I'm assuming, of course, that they were also too scared to go on Dorney Park's Steel Force (the East Coast's longest, tallest, fastest coaster in 1997) and had to suffer the embarrassment of sitting on a wooden bench eating Dippin' Dots while their little sister bravely boarded the ride, and they'd probably agree with me that Yocco's hot dogs are overrated. Anyhoo, if they can get the guitar and bass to sound like they're playing the same song, we'll have ourselves the next great asshole noise band, and at least the best Keystone State band since Live. 70/100 RIFFS

Ratatat: "Lex" (MP3) Basically a shameless attempt at conjuring people's fond memories of "17 Years" and, I guess, Bach. 46/100 RIFFS

Morrissey: Ringleader of the Tormentors / "In the Future When All's Well" (MP3) I feel like such a cookie-cutter indie guy falling for this album, like I'm parodying myself. Thing is, Morrissey sounds like he's also engaged in some self-parody, and when you pretend he's not a real person with real feelings, his lonely bastard lyrics here are at their funniest since "Bigmouth Strikes Again." I'm kinda tired of the Oscar Wilde comparisons at this point, but in a way they're true--Moz's career path matches an author's more than it does a rock star's. He'll be pulling this shit when he's 65 and it won't be weird like the Stones trapping Super Bowl audiences under an animatronic tongue. It'll be weird like how my 65 year-old little league coach used to sing "There is a Light That Never Goes Out" during batting practice. 67/100 RIFFS

Some Things I Need Answered

Joanna Angel, the SPIN sex columnist, apparently got the boot. She had become something of a music media joke on arrival, since obviously all male music critics have no problem interacting with women, and all women critics have no problem with a little "titties for titties' sake," as they call it. The mag had also run a pretty hefty piece on the Suicide Girls, a rival to Angel's own alterna-porn ring Burning Angel, that explored the girls' curious top-down treatment, some of the in-fights, an insane bureaucracy you wouldn't expect out of punk porn. So Angel's hiring was a significant marker of SPIN's regime change: You either appreciated the way a nice pair of bouncing titties could "remix" the Killers, or you cleared your desk, put your fat non-bouncing promo titties in a big fat tittie box, and headed straight to Mondo Kim's Music to trade them in for the new Rakes album.

Anyway this all bums me out. Not only am I a "TFTS" guy myself, but I also had written a few questions to Joanna--a few questions about the sexing--and now they'll never get answered. But here goes nothing. Joanna, if you are searching for yourself on Technorati, or reading Riff Market regularly as I suspect you do, let me know what you can do for me here. My "burning" question is:

When you are listening to "Mr. Brightside" like you always do and all the sudden you and your girlfriends bust out your titties, is it understood that the titties are remixing the song, or does one of you have to scream, "Reeeeeeeeeeeeeemixxxxxxxxxxx"?



23/100 RIFFS

50 Cent Tells Everybody How to Have Threesomes

Via the SOHH Pulse Report:

Want a threesome? Well, according to Fiddy a trip to London may just enhance your chances. The Queens rapper recently told England's Loaded Magazine that ménages a trois are easier to accomplish in England. "England's drinking laws are definitely going to cause more threesomes and if you're out that late, you gotta feed the girl the champagne. They love that stuff," Fif shared before adding. "Everyone should use a condom, because more drinking will also cause more baby population."

Right now it's about 5pm in London, which means at this very moment everybody there is trying out 50's tip:

lady 1: holy shit we're in the club
lady 2: nothing weird ever happens in the club
man who knows about 50's tip: hey ladies how about our country's drinking laws
l1: i am so hungry sir.....soooooo hungry.... feed me
l2: no! feed us
mwka50t: ladies please! i have just the meal for you both
l2: is it the champagne
mwka50t: it's the champagne
l1: i don't know about the champagne
mwka50t: i'll pour the glasses while you use the condoms. everyone should use a condom
l2: ok
l1: but i don't want to use a condom
l2: oh lady stop being silly and use your condom already. we love that stuff
mwka50t: ok everybody eat the champagne
l2:mmmmm
mwka50t: mmmm
l1:something's not right


mwka50t: oh shit are you not... what the!?????



l2: hey what the hell happened over here ?!?!



66/100 RIFFS

Download: 50 Cent's "Stop Crying" [from the Hate It Or Love It mixtape]

Editorial Newsroom
Sunday July 09, 2006
Everywhere

Download: 50 Cent's "Misdemeanor" [from the Hate It or Love It G-Unit Radio Part 21 Mixtape]

-Mankus, quick! It's your boss at the shithole. I need a story on the sports thing pronto.
-The World Cup, sir?
-World what? What the fuck are you talking about, Mankus. I need a story on that headbutt guy--pronto. I want it big, I want it funny, I want that rare hybrid of big-funny our newspaper chain has become known for across the 22 cities in which it is syndicated. Big, funny, big-funny. Give it to me.
-Boss, wait. Big-funny? Zidane just disgraced himself, his nation, his game. There are just so many questions surrounding the headbutt, so much tragedy, I'm not sure I want to write a really jokey article. You know?
-Mankus you're a genius. Every half-rate editorial writer with two dicks to type with is gonna write a jokey article. So how about we make yours a jokey list? In fact I got it--make it a top ten list. Just like the TV show. And the question can be something like, What set Zidane off? What did that other guy say to him?
-Boss, I'm...
-I bet he called Zidane "Zit Tame."
-"Zit Tame"?
-That's right, Mankus. Make #7 "Zit Tame."
-I'm pretty sure that's not what Materazzi said, boss.
-Oh you don't?! Well what do you think he called him, Mankus--"Shit Lame"?
-...
-Maybe you're right. I got it. Make #7 "Shit Lame," and move "Zit Tame" up to the eight spot.
-Boss...
-"Zit Tame" doesn't have the power to provoke that it used to, does it. But lemme tell you, when you had a zit in the 70s, it was not tame. It was like, talk about an oil crisis. Ha!
-No offense, boss, I really can't write this piece. I'm too upset about it to poke fun.
-"Talk about an oil crisis!!!!" Too hilarious. Mankus, make #2 "Talk about an oil crisis."
-OK, sir.

13/100 RIFFS

APT

This is the sorta-known meatpacking club-slash-bar with impeccable booking but overpriced drinks and a soundsystem too heavy on mids. Now their distinction includes first telling me that my drink bill was $25, then me opening up the tab just in case I or anybody I was with was in the mood to get their drink on, then APT inexplicably charging me $33 before I left. You better believe I left an angry note on the credit card printout! I should add that nobody I was with (a) got their drink on courtesy of me and (b) would ever say "get their drink on" except ironically or in the company of close friends.

33/100 RIFFS

The Silver Lining

Additionally devastating, I had come for Idjut Boys and by 3am they still hadn't made it to the booth. I didn't leave empty-handed though. DJ Spun, who does ps1 warmup programming, dropped one of the best songs I've heard all year, the kind that gets me both hands on head, completely catatonic, buying drinks on other people's tabs, etc: Escort's "Starlight." Disco nine-piece from Brooklyn, a bit fascist in its Philly International throwback, but I can tolerate that because (a) the hook's really great and (b) the band's so so so tight. They're playing PS1 live August 12, with Rub-N-Tug actually:

Escort: "Starlight" [found on bumrocks]

80/100 RIFFS

The Hives: Tyrannosaurus Hives

Two years ago this was my running with Adam Moerder along the Charles music. Adam and I were known to synch up our iPods such that we could run together to the same songs for the first fifteen minutes, then when "Diabolic Scheme" came on he could watch me collapse and have to carry me back to Winthrop House. It was a morale building exercise that I don't regret--as close as two men can get to having their menstrual cycles coincide. Just so everyone knows, Moerder is pronounced "murder."



I busted out T. Hives Saturday for some freeweights and the album still totally floors me. Everyone really forgot to take the Hives seriously, didn't they. I tried to capture that in my typically roundabout way, but what an abortion that turned out to be. Really I just remember all the stupid stupid stupid things people were saying about Tyrannosaurus Hives and I thought it was a challenge. Will we hear from the Hives again, I don't know, but in retrospect it bothers me that I contributed ever so slightly to this band being written off, even if my point boiled down to "these guys are being written off." Definitely better than Annie.

The Hives: "Diabolic Scheme"

75/100 RIFFS

Quick Shots

Falafel Star: 86 E 7th St. This place remains the best falafel house in East Village, particularly for the Babaganush/Falafel hybrid and the Lamb Schwarma. 89/100 RIFFS

Underdog East: 117 E 7th St. Clothes for dudes here, including actually stiff jeans that take forever to break in and locally-designed t-shirts that look like something is wrong with the collar but no, they were actually made that way. One of those really great boutique gigs where you want to buy everything except, no offense, the jeff caps. 74/100 RIFFS

Thunderbirds Are Now!: "The Veil Comes Down" || Why aren't people talking about this song? The chorus sounds like it's off Bleach! 70/100 RIFFS