RIFF MARKET

Riff Market Sports Edition

I was very bummed to read on Viacom auxiliary blog Stereogum that the National Football League has banned, or sorta banned, football stadiums from playing Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Part 2" because Glitter molested some Vietnamese girls. To be clear, we're talking about the freaking "The Hey Song" here--banned, gone, no more jumping up with two beers in your hand and yelling HEY! and having all the beer spill out into the guy in front of you's cheese hat. (This is good time as any to mention that I have heard "Rock and Roll Part 1" several times and don't know why this "part"--which is so obviously integral to the other "part"--has been largely forgotten. I'm assuming Glitter must have molested some American chicks on the sly, the NFL fatcats found out, and somebody said something like, "OK Gary, enough's enough. We're banning exactly HALF of your two-part sports anthem 'Rock and Roll' from our stadiums." Nobody had any problem with this and I think that's pretty bullshit.)

Here are some other things the NFL execs should ban in the stadiums while they're at it:

01. Seats. Chances are Gary Glitter molested those Vietnamese girls while sitting down on something. I'm not saying molestation only happens one way, but you gotta remember Glitter's a pretty old guy and his legs probably went on him after the initial meets and greets.
02. Old Guys. Old Guys are more likely to have retired from their jobs as glamrockers than Young Guys still in the biz, which makes Old Guys more likely to fly to Vietnam, find a nice seat to sit on, maybe a lawn chair or something, and molest a few girls they've just met. I'm thinking it could even be an honor system thing, i.e. a stadium guard asks an old guy, "Are you an old guy?" and the old guy says "no" and walks into the stadium. Because some old guys are young at heart. Not a big deal at all.
03. Anything You Can Sit Down On. Who can be sure what Gary Glitter was sitting on exactly when he molested those girls. It could have been a rock, a table, the sidearm of a couch--not to forget, a seat. So let's just play this one safe in our stadiums and ban anything you can sit down on. Who knows the station of GG's bum at the time of the dirty.
04. Maps. Gary Glitter probably had no idea where Vietnam even was without the aid of a map. He would have had no mass of land to set his sights on, take out his huge black marker and draw a huge black circle around it, and underneath the mass of land draw an arrow and the caption "Rock and Roll Part 3."
05. "Two-Hand Touch". You wait for it, you get it.

34/100 RIFFS