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Such a Lady, Dancing Like a Ho

Download: "London Bridge"

Thank you for the emails. Short story shorter, I couldn't tell if the horrific pain inside my brain was actually inside my brain or just generally on/around my brain. Needless to say, I'm psyched (psyched) to report that the pain was merely on/around my brain.

In the meantime, Fergie's "London Bridge" has finally sonned Furtardo's "Promiscuous Girl" and now holds the #1 spot on the Hot 100. As you would expect in a world that gets angry because (get this) some people are drinking totally shitty wine instead of huge cans of Diet Sparks, several blogulators have stuffed no less than seven thongs up their butts in Fergie Ferg protest. These are typically people who can totally dig blowjobs and girl-fucking and the men and women who sing about both, so I wonder.

I like "London Bridge." I like producer Polow's oh-shits and sirens and actually cavernous tom sounds, indebted to Timbaland but the drums have more tone to them, not merely percussive, tuned so that the bass drum sound modulates, as if there are two basslines counting the bass clarinet riff. I like the few "production hears the lyrics" flourishes, and I like the quick "sultry string" breakdown at minute 2--such an obvious jab at "Promiscuous Girl," a song I loathe like shared sensation Trojans, so from the start dude's fighting the good fight. And I like Fergie fine. She has the industry-approved sexybitch hip-pop patois (from Missy to Gwen to Nelly, and all the other clowns before and betwixt), she's totally hot with her hair down, and for "shitty lyrics" these aren't that that bad: a sorta well-known architectural symbol turned Mother Goose rhyme turned, possibly, two men having sex with one woman and high-fiving for real in the feel, turned just one woman, Fergie, just wanting the regular sex that actual people have. So you can't fault "London Bridge" for no backstory.

But, we're told, rappers have already used metaphors. Who does Fergie think she is, using metaphors about stuff? Whose humps? Rappers already have funny names for titties, e.g. "cans," "titcans," "titbangers." Rappers are cleverer than Fergie who thinks she's a rapper but she's not I tell ya she's not she's not she's not. Meanwhile, let us all praise Shawnna's horrific "Gettin Some (Head)," a song that TELLS IT LIKE IT IS, FINALLY, a song that's also good only for the remix verses and the ridiculosity that is Pharrell trying to fast-rap. I can't wait for Shawnna's next forward-thinking album, where she connects contact microphones to her fallopian tubes, rubs muscle relaxer on her region, then lets Spankrock wear her vagina like a coonskin cap. Mash that up with "Cannonball" and we've got ourselves a winner don't we.

The rap precedent / rap forwardthought / rap jacked swagger arguments against "London Bridge" totally miss the point. This is not a rap song. The new Sonic Youth album is a terrible rap album too--what's your point? This is a pop song about women getting turned on and wanting to have sex with stuff. Better in the video: This is about a woman putting herself in one of the more women-compromising of situations--a gentlemen's club--and totally ripping shit, totally dominating not by vim but by genius I-Don't-Give-A-Fuck. Seriously game-over genius. From there "Bridge" is not even about being a bad-ass woman--it's about celebrity, doing whatever the hell you want simply because you can, making fun of the Royal Guard and not hearing shit about it, and, best of all, dancing like a ho.

And look. Not to grab nuts or anything, but you can't can't can't complain about Fergie's cholas bodyguards in the video, especially if you're playing the 'this song is wannabe hip-hop' card. (Mis)appropriation is fundamental, and you're clowning yourself if you don't think sampling a song and then saying stuff over said sample is any less offensive. We're talking about a music of violent oppositions, culture clashes, an image-is-everything non-reality. If the slapdash made sense all the time, what would you write about? The point is sampling. Everything is fair game. There are smart samples and questionable ones, but arguably none are intrinsically, aesthetically wrong.

That, and you gotta be kidding me if you've never heard a Chinese woman say something that sounded like "me love you long time."

64/100 RIFFS