RIFF MARKET

Editorial Newsroom
Sunday July 09, 2006
Everywhere

Download: 50 Cent's "Misdemeanor" [from the Hate It or Love It G-Unit Radio Part 21 Mixtape]

-Mankus, quick! It's your boss at the shithole. I need a story on the sports thing pronto.
-The World Cup, sir?
-World what? What the fuck are you talking about, Mankus. I need a story on that headbutt guy--pronto. I want it big, I want it funny, I want that rare hybrid of big-funny our newspaper chain has become known for across the 22 cities in which it is syndicated. Big, funny, big-funny. Give it to me.
-Boss, wait. Big-funny? Zidane just disgraced himself, his nation, his game. There are just so many questions surrounding the headbutt, so much tragedy, I'm not sure I want to write a really jokey article. You know?
-Mankus you're a genius. Every half-rate editorial writer with two dicks to type with is gonna write a jokey article. So how about we make yours a jokey list? In fact I got it--make it a top ten list. Just like the TV show. And the question can be something like, What set Zidane off? What did that other guy say to him?
-Boss, I'm...
-I bet he called Zidane "Zit Tame."
-"Zit Tame"?
-That's right, Mankus. Make #7 "Zit Tame."
-I'm pretty sure that's not what Materazzi said, boss.
-Oh you don't?! Well what do you think he called him, Mankus--"Shit Lame"?
-...
-Maybe you're right. I got it. Make #7 "Shit Lame," and move "Zit Tame" up to the eight spot.
-Boss...
-"Zit Tame" doesn't have the power to provoke that it used to, does it. But lemme tell you, when you had a zit in the 70s, it was not tame. It was like, talk about an oil crisis. Ha!
-No offense, boss, I really can't write this piece. I'm too upset about it to poke fun.
-"Talk about an oil crisis!!!!" Too hilarious. Mankus, make #2 "Talk about an oil crisis."
-OK, sir.

13/100 RIFFS