RIFF MARKET

Where Have All The Dickriders Gone?

Come the fuck on.

Look, I'm not about to defend this movie, as there are lots of loose ends. For instance, there's a computer lab scene that purportedly takes place in 1996. The astute viewer (me) however will notice that all the monitors are very expensive flatscreens, the kind that wouldn't come into play until several years later. We're talking four, five years here until we'd see them regularly. So where was Cam'Ron hoarding the flatscreens? There's a warehouse scene at the end that involves an elaborate gun fight; the body count was three that day, but who knows how many LCDs had their "warranties" "voided."

Instead of running down KS's shortcomings, I'd like make a few suggestions as to how the film could have been better:

-Early on, Cam'Ron introduces his Kentucky gunrunner Tyrell as "The Hood Internet." Not only would I like to have seen more of THI in action, but I would have appreciated at least a brief foray into "The Internet Hood," or at the very least a sneakpeek at Hell Rell's blogline subscriptions.

-One scene Cam watches two men murder his seven-year-old niece outside Papa Johns Pizza. I had heard there was some talk in pre-production about having the two murderers vaguely resemble the Little Caesars pizza-pizza guy; I don't know what happened here.

-Look, if you couldn't get the pizza pizza guy thing going, I don't know why the two murderers weren't the porno pizza dudes or two of the lesser members of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What I'm thinking: The rest of the movie Cam is wandering the New York City sewers looking for the killers; at the end of one tunnel he finds Vanilla Ice, cold, naked, and trying to sing "go ninja go ninja go" but the pain is too much. Finis.

-It's unclear why Juelz Santana has the second bill; he has a minute of script tops and his role is never really accounted for. Let's switch him up for Yayo. What this means: Instead of the scene where Cam dumps that guy in the back of the trunk with a box of rats, there's a scene where Yayo takes off his bucket hat, politely asks the guy to get inside the hat, then yells a lot at the guy because he physically cannot fit inside the hat. Ideally there would be a lot of scenes like that.

-There's a scene where Cam is riding down to Baltimore with one of his shorties, a girl who looks suspiciously like full-time scenester Karen Plus One. This isn't a suggestion, I'm just wondering why nobody's brought this up yet.

-In the opening scene, Cam'ron urinates on a guy who tried to rip him off when they were rolling dice. While he urinates, he says "no homo" several times, as if to deflect any accusations that the pissing has any erotic value for him; Cam's friends groan but seem to understand. In a better version of Killa Season, Cam'Ron would keep saying "no homo," but with every repetition he would increasingly raise his voice slightly at the end, as if he is asking his posse, "No homo...?" Before fading to black, Cam would face the camera and ask us--America--the same.